


In The Wake Of Nothing

by catlikeacat



Series: Punch-Drunk Love [2]
Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: F/M, Found Family, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:08:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22106077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catlikeacat/pseuds/catlikeacat
Summary: In the wake of opening the Vault and taking the meager spoils within, the first Vault Hunters are at a loss for what comes next.Not wanting to split apart, they take some odd jobs together as they try to parse out what you're meant to do once you've already achieved the impossible and proven a legend true.Unsure of what the future will hold for them.
Relationships: Brick/Mordecai (Borderlands), Lilith/Roland (Borderlands)
Series: Punch-Drunk Love [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1558099
Comments: 20
Kudos: 70





	1. All That’s Left

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: I'm splitting off the DLC chapters from my BL1 Era BrickMordy fic because I'd like to splinter it from a massive epic length to a series of shorter ones.
> 
> I've debated this but for many reasons, varying from "people can more easily read the parts they're most interested in" as well as "I can write the parts out of order, meaning less easy to get fatigued," I think this is the best choice.
> 
> I'll be posting a new chapter at some point during this weekend for this, I hope to finish the DLC chapters so I can start jumping around. I intend to let people vote on what part I'll write next on my twitter, catlikeacat, after I finish each section.

Standing in Tannis’s shack and handing over the Vault Key to her felt so… anticlimactic.

For months they’d relentlessly pursued the Vault, dreamed of opening it, excitedly planned for a future they were never going to get.

Now they’d done just that, killed a giant monster, gotten fuck all in return. Turning over the now useless Vault Key to a bright eyed and bushy tailed Tannis who so gently and carefully placed it on the table. Examining it like she hadn’t done that for hours and hours already.

Unable to read the somber tone of the room for shit as she eagerly rambled, nearly singing, “It didn’t take all of you very long to come back to me, were the contents of the Vault so easy to carry? I hope so, good things come in small packages, you know!”

Even the way they all looked at each other didn’t send a single signal to Tannis as the woman eagerly skirted around the desk to approach them like a cautious wild animal. Green eyes glinting with unbridled excitement.

Clearly sizing up the large bags that Brick and Mordecai were carrying with a downright playful curiosity.

Lilith’s yellow eyes widened as she slowly realized everyone was looking at her, their most tactful and caring member, to break the news to the scientist beginning to try and peek inside. Soften the blow, even just a little bit.

“Tannis…” Lilith started, beginning to reach out to her before realizing that alone was probably more distressing than comforting, “Tannis, there wasn’t anything in the Vault but a giant monster and a bunch of loot chests.”

Snapping to attention, Tannis snatched her roving hand away from the bags. Her voice heartbreakingly quiet and toneless, a painful contrast to her normal one, “What? There was… nothing?”

“I’m sorry,” Lilith took an experimental step towards her, tattooed hand extended, “But… it’s true. A giant tentacle monster crawled out and killed Commandant Steele and her men, then we killed it. Then… all that was left was the loot chests it left behind. Not even special ones. Just… guns.”

It was like they could see the world crashing behind Tannis’s wide eyes, looking like she was hoping this was a joke she just hoped she didn’t understand.

But it wasn’t and she knew that.

Carefully, she grabbed Lilith’s extended hand and let herself be pulled closer. Not quite into a hug but nearer to another human being than she’d been in half a decade. Practically whispering to the Siren alone, “But there can’t… be nothing. Why would the Eridians keep a Vault full of nothing?”

Uncomfortably, the men around them shuffled before Roland tried to help diffuse the situation, “I mean, technically we weren’t able to go inside of it. The monster fell back into it and it closed. Maybe… maybe whatever secrets it holds are st-”

“Oh, simply lovely!!” Tannis shouted at him, loud in the small shack, “Excellent! Outstanding! Exemplary! I simply cannot wait until my festering corpse drags itself back out of the parched, cracked dirt in two hundred years so I can ‘get another whack at it,’ as the kids say!”

Her grip on Lilith’s hand had tightened painfully so, but she didn’t let it show as the Siren asked a dumb, aimless question at everyone and no one, “What… what do we do now?”

“Rot and fester, I guess!” Tannis threw up her free hand.

An actual answer came over Mordecai’s ECHO, crackling to life. The man forgetting he’d even filled in Pierce on the way over as she spoke, “Mordecai, are you still there?”

Picking it up, he responded, “Yeah, we stopped by Tannis. We’ll be back soon. You want somethin’?”

There was an odd tone in her voice that none could place, “Yes, there’s some very urgent business to attend to in New Haven. Bring Tannis with you, we could use her help.”

“No thank you,” Tannis shook her head, waving it off, “I simply must get to work on… some… something…”

The scientist looked around futilely, all her papers looking like pointless scattered garbage now. A monument to her failures and a reminder that her life’s work was seemingly useless.

“Patricia, you’ll come too,” Pierced ordered, “Drag her here, if you must. It’ll be good for her.”

“That shan’t be necessary,” Tannis warily eyed Brick, knowing full well how easily she could be hoisted off the ground like a wayward skag pup, “I will… come to assist with whatever dreadful ordeal you’re going to put me through. But I will not enjoy it, I promise you that.”

The truth of that last sentence became very evident as, right when they stepped through the door, suddenly Tannis latched onto Lilith’s arm hard enough to cut off circulation.

\- - -

Pulling into the back of New Haven, Lilith had at least managed to get Tannis to loosen her grip on her arm to a survivable ‘crushing but allowing blood flow’ level. The woman pressed against her the whole ride to New Haven, all but sitting in her lap. Roland looking forward and trying not to be jealous about his girlfriend’s new accessory.

Despite the somber and slightly awkward mood in the cabin, Mordecai and Brick were handling their disappointment much better in the bed of the truck. Already beginning to crack jokes about the shitty situation as the wind whipped past them.

Their worlds came back together again as they all piled out and began walking into an almost eerily silent town. Tannis looking downright ready to cave in on herself, wanting to be back in her shack more and more as they got deeper in.

She leaned her head uncomfortably on Lilith’s shoulder.

Mordecai ducked to whisper to an already annoyed Roland, cackling and elbowing him, “Hey man, I really think Tannis’s gonna steal your girl.”

Roland’s laugh at his own joke was a little strained, “Heh, over my dead body.”

“You’re laughing but maybe Lilith’s got a thing for awkward people. You an’ Tannis got that in common.”

“Maybe Brick’s got a thing for dudes that keep their mouths shut so, uh, try it sometime.”

Mordecai’s turn to laugh, a bony hand patting the armored shoulder, “Great comeback, amigo.”

Their attention was drawn away as soon as they turned the corner though, walking into the center of town and into the middle of a party waiting for them. Everyone turning and jumping with a thundering, “Surprise!” Scooter nearly falling off the ladder, a banner reading “CONGRATS ON OPENING THE VAULT!! LILITH, ROLAND, BRICK AND MORDY!!!” The way the names grew more and more cramped, culminating in Mordecai’s name being abbreviated heavily implying that Scooter had drastically overestimated how much space he had available.

Pierce arrived with a very rare smile spread across half her face, arms out wide, “I can’t believe you guys really did it. The Vault, the goddamn Vault.”

With a grip that made all but Brick balk, she firmly shook their hands. Sans Tannis who had returned to a ‘no blood for Lilith’s lower arm’ level of grip strength as she looked horrified out at the crowd. Barely even registering Pierce’s presence. Behind her the party began, people already so caught up in the festivities that the reason for them was already forgotten.

“So, I have to know,” Pierce put her hands on her hips, still shining that hopeful half-grin, “What was in it? Mordecai said you fought a monster but he left it at that. You know everyone gathered in that boisterous cluster over there is dying to hear more about it. I’ve got a bullhorn in my office, any of you a good storyteller?”

“There… wasn’t much in the Vault,” Roland’s mouth was a hard line, handling the disappointment with a grace the others didn’t have, “Not much to say. We’ve got a good amount of loot to sell but the monster… was really it.”

Pierce’s smile twitched for a split second back into that familiar stern look before she managed to pull it into at least something resembling a smile, “Well… that’s… you still accomplished something amazing. Something nobody thought was anything more than a legend. Your reward may not come in the form of a life changing fortune but your names are going to echo in history.”

Damned if Pierce’s words didn’t help a bit, giving them the first glimpses of pride at what they’d accomplished. Seeing any sort of praise from the woman was rare and precious.

Leaving only their girls still a bit dejected.

But Lilith sighed, gently prying Tannis’s clawed hand off of her, “I’m… I’m good at telling stories. We owe everyone that much at least, right? Make it sound badass, play up the drama of what we found… I can do that.”

Tannis’s hand threatened to latch right back on until Lilith grabbed her wrist and deflected it. Letting the woman latch hard onto Roland instead. Curled around his bicep like a jabber youngling in a heartbeat.

He let out a silent noise of pain, unseen or heard by her as he hissed to Lilith “Why the hell is she so strong?”

Lilith just shrugged, patting his other arm as she watched Pierce quickly duck in and out of her office with bullhorn in hand, “I’ll be back in a little bit. Let me just spin a yarn for a while and get the crowds chanting our names. It won’t take long.”

Trotting off, she was helped up onto the makeshift stage by Scooter as Pierce handed her the device.

Roland lead a reluctant Tannis into the crowd to listen to Lilith’s story with everyone else but Mordecai was never really someone to enjoy a crowd. Merely snatching a couple beers from the refreshment table with a vague and unnecessary gesture for Brick to follow him. Looking for a nice, dark wall to lean on.

As Lilith began her energetic speech to the crowd, complete with dramatic reenactment Mordecai found the perfect spot. Tucked a bit away but not so far that they couldn’t watch the show brewing. Patting the wall next to him for Brick to join him. Metal panels creaking as he obliged.

Up in the front they watched Lilith’s one woman show start. Arms clasped behind her back, exaggerated steps, face stern as she gave some long speech with a cocked eyebrow. This cut short by exaggeratedly jolting forward and clutching at her stomach, loud scream making the crowd gasp.

“Man, she’s really hamming it up,” Mordecai watched her continue, pacing the stage with the bullhorn as she went on to describe the scene. Cracking the cap off his rakk ale with the edge of his gun and taking a long drink.

“Can’t let the crowd down right?” Brick laughed at the weird, frantic wiggly arm waving as she made the most inhuman noises with her mouth as she could, “She’s gonna sleep like a damn rock tonight, between fightin’ the Destroyer and this.”

“Like I ain’t three seconds from crashing myself,” Mordecai took Brick’s drink and easily cracked it open as well.

“So no private celebrating tonight?” Brick leered, shaking Mordecai by a shoulder like that was somehow going to help his cause.

“I ain’t some weird superhuman like you, so no. Tomorrow. No way we’re gonna be out doing Vault Hunter stuff anyways, have the whole day to ourselves.”

“Can we even call ourselves that anymore?”

Mordecai gave him a confused look.

“Well, the Vault’s already been hunted,” Brick finally sipped at his own drink, “So what does that make us now?”

Mordecai looked like he was going to contemplate that for a second before shaking his head, “Vault Hunters. I think we’re just that forever now. And hey, who the hell says there’s not more out there?”

“Tannis?”

“Tannis doesn't know everything,” Mordecai looked over at the woman, clinging tightly to Roland’s arm, “Just a hell of a lot of things.”

“I guess,” Brick replied, watching Lilith begin to do a weird, exaggerated and showy dance that seemed to be some weird mockery of her own fighting style, “You know what I don’t know is just… what’re we gonna do now?”

“I don’t know,” Mordecai grimaced, “We can’t really… go on that big tour of Pandora like we wanted to, huh? Saved up a good chunk of money gettin’ to this point and we’ll get even more from selling the guns but it’s not… enough to do something that big.”

“Maybe at least one trip somewhere?” Brick looked hopeful.

“Yeah, somewhere, but it’s gonna have to be only one somewhere,” Mordecai watched Lilith sharply salute before miming tossing out a turret, hunkering down and pretending to fire an assault rifle, “I don’t… really know the hell else I’m doing with my life after this. Didn’t really have any long term goals other than ‘find the Vault.’ Kinda thought that goal would take my whole life.”

“We could always get married, adopt a kid, and travel the galaxy looking for odd jobs. That’d be a good way to travel.”

“How the hell we gonna travel with a kid, where’d we even get the kid and why?”

“I ‘unno,” Brick shrugged, “Lots of orphans on Pandora.”

“So now I gotta worry about you getting attached to random orphans?” Mordecai cracked a grin.

“What, you don’t wanna be a dad?”

“Don’t think I’d be a terribly good one, no.”

“Yeah you would, you take real good care of Bloodwing,” Brick nodded over at the large bird of prey currently making people anxious. Sitting on a perch by the food table and begging for scraps. Occasionally, a braver citizen of New Haven tossing him a treat. Only stopping to circle above when he felt full enough.

“Bloodwing’s easier than a kid,” Mordecai retorted, “He can take care of himself, don’t gotta worry about him getting his ass killed. Kids though… kids can get killed real easy.”

“Yeah but they’d have us,” Brick watched Mordecai finish his drink, handing him his own mostly unfinished drink on instinct.

“We’re getting way too into this hypothetical situation,” Mordecai accepted it with a swig, “Hell, we’re missing Lilith’s whole performance.”

“Man, do I really bounce around that much?” Brick grimaced looking at Lilith’s impression of him, looking like she had springs in her heels as she threw a bunch of weird little rabbit punches.

“Nah, don’t know what the hell she thinks that looks like but it don’t look like you,” he patted Brick’s arm, “You look a lot more badass than that, think you need to show her how to throw a punch.”

“Nah, she can knock me on my ass.”

Squinting behind his mask, Mordecai gave him a confused look.

“Siren-y stuff, she can really blast someone back. Her form’s terrible though.”

“Is it weird I kinda wanna see that?”

Brick laughed, “I’d let her do it again, it was badass as hell.”

On stage, Lilith reached her final impression. Mordecai scowling at the matching look she put on her face to be him, raising an invisible sniper rifle and fake firing at nonexistent enemies. Pausing and raising her arm, going to mimic catching a nonexistent Bloodwi-

The sharp talons and sudden flapping of the actual, real Bloodwing making a sudden appearance nearly knocking Lilith on her ass. A strangled scream, which only made the bird freak out in response. Screeching back. Which made Lilith scream more. Making Bloodwing continue to shriek and flap his wings.

An infinite feedback loop of scaring each other.

“Ah shit,” Mordecai pushed himself up, nailing the garbage bin with the empty bottle.

The crowd’s previous enraptured awe replaced by raucous laughter as they watched the man run up and get his squawking, scared bird off of Lilith. Bloodwing calming down as he was cradled to Mordecai’s chest like a sharp little baby. Long claws dangling menacingly.

Haggardly, Lilith looked to the crowd before throwing a hand up, “Thank you New Haven, I’ll be here all week!”

There was a loud cheer of applause before the citizens went back to their content, joyous milling about.

Stumbling off the stage, she followed after Mordecai like a baby duckling.

“Bloodwing, whyyyy?” Lilith leaned forward to be on eye level with the bird, “I try to get you to step up on my arm for months and you only decide swoop down at me from the blue and scare the ever loving shit out of me? I just want to hold you normal. Why can’t you let me have that?”

“He’s gonna peck at your eyes if you keep gettin’ up in his face like that,” Mordecai warned.

“Did he just like me putting on a grumpy face like you? Does he just want grouchiness?”

Lilith dropped her face back down into a Mock-Mordy scowl.

He curled his lip at that, “That’s not what I look like.”

All Lilith did in response was mirror that lip curl.

Heading back towards the back he found that Brick has become the new Tannis guardian, the first one to not be cringing at having the woman’s surprisingly strong hands digging into his arm. Although, to be fair, the fact that she couldn’t really get a strong grasp on his too-big bicep was probably a factor.

Whatever she was talking to him about was absolutely throwing him for a loop. Nodding along dumbly to whatever she was saying to him, the elaborate hand gestures implying she was trying to explain something far too complicated to the giant.

Brick was replying sparsely, most likely asking what words meant. Not even understanding the building blocks of her concepts let alone the intricacies of it.

“Tannis is gonna fry Brick’s brain,” Lilith smiled, “Total polar opposites.”

“Eh, I think he likes when people don’t assume he’s dumb,” Mordecai aimlessly followed after Lilith as she veered off a bit, towards the food table, “Don’t think he’s understanding a single word she’s saying but he’s definitely liking that she’s saying it to him.”

He was right, despite his confusion Brick really was listening to her every word with rapt attention.

Despite her previous fear having Bloodwing latched onto her arm Lilith was already hovering a hand over the table, looking for something to give to the bird. Settling on a skag dog, crouching with it too close to her face as she fed it to him. Laughing at the bird happily choking down big, ugly bites.

Mordecai didn’t understand Lilith’s conflicting relationship with his bird.

But considering earlier today she’d run away crying from the site of their combination victory/failure he was glad she was feeling better. Didn’t like seeing her like th…

Ah, damn it, he got tricked into caring about another person.

Whatever, he embraced it, “Glad you’ve perked up. Found your silver lining?”

Her smile stuttered for a second, “I feel like such a baby. I’m already the youngest one in the group and I just… threw a tantrum. But I just…”

Lilith distracted herself by taking a handful of chips and just shoving them right in her mouth.

“Far be it from me to pry but uh… why did you flip out like that? I mean it sucked but…”

“It’s just… I know… none of us liking seeing that but I’m just…” Lilith scratched at her tattoos like she wanted to dig them out of her skin, “I wanted something a bit different than just glory or riches. I wanted to know more about me, about being a Siren. I was just… I was hoping there’d be answers in there. Even just a hint at what I am or what I’m supposed to do with this power. But all we got was a big fucking monster and a pile of guns.”

“Maybe you’re gonna turn into a big fucking monster like that,” he smirked.

“Not funny!” Lilith threw up her arms to the sky, “And Commandant Steele? She’s the only other Siren I’ve ever seen in my life and she was a horrible asshole and then she has the gall to go and get her ass killed before I can… I don’t know, ask if she knows something! I’m just… alone. Who knows if I’m ever going to see another Siren in my life? Know anything about my self?”

The way she was looking at him was downright pleading. Wanting some sort of comfort or reassurance that things were going to be alright.

But Mordecai isn’t a terribly comforting man.

“Who knows,” he shrugged, “Sometimes this big, shitty universe doesn’t have any answers for us.”

“Wow, thanks,” Lilith narrowed her eyes and started to stalk away, looking to hunt down Roland.

Mordecai grabbed her arm before she could, “Sorry I’m not… good at this shit. All I know is sometimes things are just gonna be what they’re gonna be. So you’ve got some weird powers that you don’t know shit about. Yeah, you want to know more about it but at the end of the day you can melt people’s fuckin’ brains out of their skulls. So what if you don’t know anything about it. You can do that. That’s fuckin’ badass.”

Cackling, Lilith shook her head, “You just… thanks, Mordecai.”

The one armed hug was awkward, Lilith more than smart enough to avoid pressing herself against the still held bird nestled in his arms. Dragging him down to her level until she could trap him down there with her other arm.

All attempts to pull away were futile, Lilith refusing to let go until Mordecai shifted Bloodwing under one arm. Giving her a reluctant hug back.

“I’m gonna go try to find Roland,” Lilith let go to raise a hand over her eyes, a searching salute, “Can you see him from up there, Mr. Tall Bird Man?”

“He’s talking to Dr. Zed over by Pierce’s office,” Mordecai nodded back at it.

“Thanks,” Lilith tried to leave before being stopped again, Mordecai holding onto her wrist. With a bemused look, she curiously watched him raise her arm to about chest height. Bending it.

Before she could ask what the hell he was doing, the still captured bird was shuffled again. Only lightly protesting as he was placed on her arm, long, sharp talons clicking against each other as he latched on.

“Oh shit! Look!” Lilith pointed at Bloodwing to Mordecai like he hadn’t done that himself, “Oh my god, best bird buddy forever.”

“When you get tired of holding him just kinda… flick your arm. He’ll fly away.”

“Nah, I’m gonna hold him all night,” Lilith winced at her muscles protesting, “Orrrr until I can’t hold my arm up anymore. Which is probably like five to ten minutes.”

With one final smile back at him, Lilith dashed off towards Roland. No doubt eager to show off her newfound little buddy.

Mordecai felt a large hand easily grab his entire head from behind, pulling him against a muscular chest. Trapping him easily as he latched an arm around him, downright cooing, “I saw that. Bein’ all sweet and cute with Lil’.”

Looking back at Brick, Mordecai noted Tannis still latched onto his other arm. Not really reacting all that much to what he’d done, really looking somewhat annoyed that her ongoing lecture on whatever complicated topic she’d settled on.

“Shut up,” Mordecai grumbled, feeling a kiss be planted on top of his mask, “Lilith just… had a bad day. Whatever. Hold my bird, I don’t care.”

“Nah, you care. S’cute,” Brick gently worked Tannis’s hand off of his arm, “Your turn.”

“My turn for wha-“ Mordecai let out a strangled noise as Tannis’s claw dug into his arm.

“I’m gonna do horrible things to this caterin’ table,” Brick grabbed a plate that was comically undersized for what he was about to pile on it, “Sounds like Dr. Zed’s got somethin’ interesting he wants us to do. Go catch up with them an’ I’ll get over there… soonish.”

Tannis’s second hand dug into Mordecai’s boney arm, reminding him acutely of Bloodwing’s talons. Unconcerned, Tannis looked towards their goal, “As I was telling Brick, I’m beginning to wonder if there were some hidden implications in the Eridian writings that I hadn’t previously considered. For instance-“

Her voice grew fainter and fainter as Mordecai pulled her through the crowd, leaving Brick to the only thing other than Mordecai he’d been eyeing the whole night.


	2. Things You See In A Graveyard

Was that a puddle of water or blood he was standing in? It was way too dark for Mordecai to tell. Kicking absentmindedly at it, knowing he could never rely on color. Especially in the dark.

“Stop steppin’ in the blood, Mordy,” Brick chastised him.

Blood it is.

Looking up, that was the least of their worries though. The dismal, dark forest ahead of them arcing high over swarms of real ass zombies shambling around. Half rotted and unaware of their presence.

When Dr. Zed had told them about it, tucked off into a corner of the party, each and every one of them though it was bullshit.

I mean, they took the job but they didn’t buy that it was actual, honest to god undead.

It’d been about a week and a half since they’d opened the Vault, taking a break before they plunged right into more Vault Hunter stuff. All of them silently acknowledging that was what they were just going to be forever.

The time off had been nice though. Lazily lounging around New Haven, not really doing much but sleeping, eating, and… well, something you don’t bring up in polite company.

Bangin’, I’m talking about banging.

What the hell else are you going to do in your downtime in a nigh featureless wasteland?

The journey out here brought them a bit closer to the more populated parts of Pandora, all of them silently considering just.. continuing to drive. Get deeper into the areas where you could see green or snow or, holy shit, cities. Anything but cracked, parched earth and sad cacti.

Dead trees looming above them felt like a depressing consolation prize.

“If I ever see a bright, sunny patch of healthy green grass I’m gonna roll around in it like a total freak,” Lilith kicked at the scraggly, ugly grass underneath her feet.

“Shit, I’ll join you,” Roland sighed, moving in closer to her, “And I thought the sprawling, eternal cities of Promethea were bad. Man, at least you could look out at the water and not see an abomination out there. Everything about Pandora just wants to kill you in the worst way possible.”

“Hey, I’m just glad to see some fuckin’ trees,” Mordecai looked up at dead branches, “I miss real ones though. The alive kind. Never thought I would. Always felt like they were keeping me caged in up on Artemis but now? Man, any of you guys gonna be weirded out if I climb one of these bad boys?”

“C’mon, grandpa,” Lilith started dragging him down the path, “We don’t need you falling out of a tree and breaking your hip.”

“I’m in my thirties,” Mordecai tugged his wrist away only to be pushed forward by Brick, “Talkin’ about me like I’m geriatric…”

“In Lilith’s defense, I also think it’s a bad idea,” Roland looked up at Bloodwing perched above, “Not because you’re old but because those branches look like they’re barely holding Bloodwing’s weight, let alone a grown ass man.”

That was a fair assessment. Every time Bloodwing curiously swooped ahead the branches creaked under his weight.

Ahead of them, the zombies realized they weren’t alone. Pivoting unnaturally, arms raised, beginning to shamble towards them.

Raising their guns, they got ready to fight their way into town.

Roland hung even further back than usual.

\- - -

The abandoned Jakobs town had one sole occupant, surviving only by dint of his boxy metal exterior keeping him safe from comparatively soft human teeth gnawing at him. A Claptrap, it was always a Claptrap. Greeting them with that familiar grating voice after the fight, backhandedly thanking them for activating the town’s defenses.

But at least he came with the important information of where Dr. Ned was and, to some genuine gratitude, two sets of skeleton keys to the abandoned buildings. Telling them to go nuts.

Although this enjoyment was a bit tamped down by the fact they had to drag out the decimated corpses of the previous occupants out before they could settle in. But that was just how most motels on Pandora operate so nothing new.

Lilith and Roland picked theirs out instantly, finding a nice little, fairly bloodstain-free house to hole up in. Decent amenities, even a working fridge and television.

For the other two… a bit less easy.

“Man, feelin’ like goddamn Goldilocks,” Brick pressed down on another shitty little bed. Barely able to handle a push from him, let alone his ample body weight.

Mordecai cackled, patting his chest, “‘Cept you’re the three bears rolled into one.”

All he got was a huff in response, Brick crossing his arms, “I’m only two bears, tops.”

“You ain’t no top,” Mordecai teased as he lead him to the next place, right across from Roland and Lilith. Fiddling with the door, “Think you don’t qualify as a ‘bear’ either. Ain’t got an ounce of fat or hair on you damn near anywhere, gordito.”

“What am I then?”

“Big as fuck.”

“What about you?”

“Shit,” Mordecai rubbed at his own arm, “Don’t think there’s a term for grossly emaciated hairy bastard so. Scrawny as fuck.”

“I ain’t a bear so I’m Goldilocks like I said, right?” Brick stepped into the final house, batting his eyes back at Mordecai before looking in. His silent wishes coming true at the sturdy bed before them. Not even bothering to test it before collapsing happily on it. The beast of a bed only creaking a bit. Just right.

He could barely even feel Mordecai get on it too, rubbing a hand over his fuzzy head, “Your hair isn’t blonde, it’s brown.”

“Why ain’t you letting me be a fairy tale?” Brick pouted.

“You just gotta find one that fits.”

“Can I be Prince Charming then?” Brick grinned, rolling his head over.

“There you go,” Mordecai rolled onto his back, feeling the scratchy fabric on his arms as folded them behind his head, “What am I then?”

“Sleeping Beauty?”

“I have chronic insomnia and you know that.”

“Slightly Drunk Beauty?”

“Ha, yeah, that one works,” Mordecai smirked, “Might not be much of a beauty but I am fairly drunk from the ride over here.”

“Nah, you’re both,” Brick made for a grab at Mordecai’s head, “And I’m gonna-”

A high pitched scream broke the near silence, coming right from the other house.

Jumping across the gap and smashing down the door wasn’t close to a problem for Brick, Mordecai right on his tail. Pistol out and at the ready, as if Brick wouldn’t be ripping apart the intruder by the time he could even-

All that was in the room was a single dead zombie lying on the ground with his head bashed open, Roland scrunched up on a chair like a scared Eden-2 housewife who just saw a mouse, and Lilith laughing her ass off.

The scene barely even disturbed by their intrusion, Lilith only pointing at Roland with a wide smile on her face aimed at them before turning back to him.

“You can make that noise?!” Lilith squealed up at Roland, “All it did was fall out of the closet! It was already dead!”

“Shut up!” Roland’s voice was still several octaves higher than it should be, “Look, zombies just- they’re not natural! One slip up, boom! You’re shambling along with ‘em!”

“Oh my god, is that why you were just hiding behind Mordecai the whole way here?!” Lilith was downright jubilant. Crouching and pinching the dead man’s sleeve to wave up at Roland with it as he stepped down from the safety of his chair, “I mean if you’re gonna pick a meatshield at least go for Brick, he’s got some heft to him.”

“I don’t wanna be a meatshield,” Brick protested, crossing his arms with a pout.

Mordecai squeezed past him, patting his arm, “Don’t worry, I won’t let him use you as a meatshield. I’ll trip him and let the zombies have him first.”

“Thanks for the stunning show of empathy,” Roland rubbed roughly at his temples, eyes kept blatantly skyward to avoid looking at the offending dead monster lying on the ground.

“Hey, you’re the dumbass afraid of something that’s already dead,” Mordecai nodded towards the corpse, silently instructing Brick to drag it out, “You should be more like me, I’m not afraid of anything.”

“Everyone’s scared of something and you know what? Mine is very reasonable and yet also something I thought wasn’t possible until today so. Shut up. Thought Dr. Zed was lyin’ about it, thought it was just gonna be a bunch of sick people here.”

“Aw, it’s okay, Roland,” Lilith slid under his arm, “I’ll keep you safe.”

“I don’t need…” he waved back and forth as he was jostled, “Just… forget about it.”

“Nah, gonna remember this forever,” Mordecai smirked.

With that Roland started shoving him out the door, “Alright, everybody who’s not my girlfriend get the hell out of my house.”

His efforts to push Brick did not go nearly as smoothly, not even ramming him in the side making the giant budge an inch. Only letting out a low chuckle at the pitiful attempt.

“So, if you can’t get me out of here... am I your new girlfriend?”

“Oh, hell yeah, sister wife Brick!!” Lilith cheered.

“No, no, rephrase,” Roland gave up, headbutting Brick in the back as he gave one final shove, “No boys allowed! Except me! Out! Everyone just… go to bed, we’ve got work to do tomorrow.”

Mercifully, Brick opted to oblige. Giving Roland an affectionate pat on the head before getting the door slammed in his face.

\- - -

The fake anguish of Dr. Ned was grating to them as he began to instruct them deeper and deeper into this hellhole.

To Roland’s dismay, the infestation of zombies completely coated every square foot of this godforsaken stretch of land. Every nook and cranny seemed to have the undead crawling out from it.

The jeering from his friends not helping to steady the shaky grip on his gun as they mowed down wave after wave.

After his twentieth or so wayward shot, missed by Lilith making a snarling noise behind him, he retaliated. Snapping at them, “You know, I wouldn’t make fun of you guys like this.”

“C’mon, Roland,” Lilith tried and failed to nail a peck on the cheek as he pulled away, “Not every day you get to learn a Vault Hunter’s weakness. Just joshin’ you a little bit about it.”

“Well, keep it up and I’m going to head back to Jakobs’ Cove and stay there. Leave you guys to finish this shit.”

“Not like we couldn’t do it without you,” Mordecai smirked, nailing three zombies in quick succession as Bloodwing sang in victory above, “This is just shootin’ fish in a barrel for me. I’m thriving. Big mob of dead bodies ain’t nothing but target practice.”

“Well isn’t that all fine and dandy for Mr….” Roland trailed off.

“Didn’t think of the end of that insult before you started, eh amigo?”

“Shut the hell up,” Roland braced himself to fire but found himself looking at an empty stretch of land. Almost glad he didn’t see their other targets, “Lil, you sure this where Dr. Ned said the wereskags were? I ain’t complaining if we can’t find them but-”

“Aw man, are you scared of wereskags too?” Mordecai jeered, prodding him with the end of his sniper rifle.

Roland smacked it away, “Isn’t like the first thing they teach you about guns not to point them at someone unless you intend to kill them?”

“I’m self taught,” Mordecai patted his own chest proudly, “And you watched too many scary movies as a kid, didn’t’cha?”

“Aw, if you’re too scared we can always swap tents,” Brick clapped Roland on the back hard enough to nearly buckle his knees, “Keep you safe for the night from all the zombies and the big bad wereskags.”

“Hell yeah, sleepover with Mordy!” Lilith threw her hands up, “Let me braid your hair, I don’t have enough.”

“I mean, they’re gonna be some chunky braids but go crazy, I guess.”

“Nobody’s braiding anyone’s hair because nobody’s switching tents,” Roland stomped towards the vague direction the map was pointing them, “But I’m gonna make all of you sleep in the damn ocean if you keep making jokes about me.”

Mordecai leaned in to Brick and Lilith, “All this just means I’m right about the wereskag thing.”

\- - -

Mordecai was right about the wereskag thing.

Even though the beastie was lying dead about twenty feet away, Roland was practically hyperventilating.

“Aw, my special little guy,” Lilith grabbed him by the side of his face, cooing up at him, “Don’t worry about the big bad wereskag. Little ol’ me and the boys will keep you safe.”

Roland pulled away, annoyed, “Just… shut up.”

The snickering of the other three didn’t make him feel any better.

Looking around the now-abandoned beach, Roland sighed, “Man, why wouldn’t we have gone to a nice beach? I’m a hell of a swimmer.”

“Ooo!” Lilith chirped, tugging up the edge of Roland’s shirt, “Swimsuit Roland! Hey if we keep an eye out we can still totally have a beach party out here, right? I think I’ve got a bikini tucked in one of my bag’s side pockets for emergencies.”

“You got any idea how stupid ‘emergency bikini’ sounds, Lil?” Mordecai raised an unseen eyebrow.

She’d take offense to that statement if not for it being the first time she’s ever heard Mordecai refer to her by a nickname. Shaking it off, she just turned with her arms out wide to gesture to the empty stretch of probably haunted beach, “This! This is a bikini emergency!”

Brick chuckled, “Ha, when I just wanna go swimming and I ain’t got a swimsuit I just go skinny dippin’. Who the hell’s gonna try to stop me?”

“Well Brick, unfortunately people have a significantly different reaction to seeing me naked than you,” Lilith put a hand on her hip and leaned into it, “And unless I want a mob of randos lusting after me it’s not really an option.”

“Never said I didn’t get that too,” Brick flicked a piece of her hair, “Just because I ain’t attractive to you don’t mean I ain’t attractive to someone else.”

Somehow the wide smile he aimed at an embarrassed Mordecai wasn’t caught by her as she smoothed her hair back down, crowing with a loud slap to his chest, “Brick! You closet creeper!”

“Ain’t nothing closeted about me,” Brick carefully batted her hand away, “You’re the one makin’ assumptions ‘bout my life.”

Across from them Roland looked like he’d rather think about anything else than the implications of those statements. Next to him, Mordecai didn’t look terribly pleased either as a green eyed monster looked damn near ready to claw its way out of his mouth.

“So, like,” Brick changed the subject, nudging the wereskag corpse, “Does it count as cannibalism or not if we eat this?”

“Brick,” alarm was in Roland’s voice, “It DEFINITELY counts as cannibalism.”

“Damn, I’m hungry.”

“Hey, head back and get bit by a zombie then just come back here and eat Roland,” Mordecai laughed.

“Very funny, Mordecai,” Roland pushed a fake-chomping Brick away from him, “This is all peak comedy and definitely not really grating and annoying.”

“I mean, you’re the only one not laughing,” Mordecai gestured to the rest of his audience.

Mashing a palm into the side of his head, Roland groaned, “It’s getting late and it’s going to take way too long to get back to Jakob’s Cove. Let’s eat then set up camp.”

Everyone looked to Brick. When there was no car to be had, the burden of “carrying supplies” always fell to him. He didn’t mind it, always reminding them though that he was tossing the bag down the second there was even a chance of a fight.

Handing it over, Roland placed the giant thing on the ground to dig through it. Pulling out the two tattered blankets to sit on and rooting through food. A lot of skag jerky, Brick’s favorite. Some cans of weird Pandoran fruit. Lilith’s favorite. Slightly smushed peanut butter sandwiches. His favorite. Can of beans, Mordecai’s most... tolerated food. At least half of it would go to Bloodwing by meal’s end.

Well, all favorites only in the context of “what can be regularly afforded.”

Not that that caveat made anyone less happy to finally be handed something to eat after a long day. Except for Mordecai but we as never happy to be handed food, always getting a real puss on him when anyone expects him to eat.

Only with some prodding from Brick does he crack open his can open and reluctantly choke down some of it.

Not much though, before surreptitiously setting it off the side for Bloodwing to dive his head into over and over, making a huge mess out of himself. More bean than bird after just a few seconds.

Mistaking that stare for judgement of himself, Mordecai sought to push it off of him, “So anything else you’re afraid of that we should be aware of? Vampires? Swamp creatures?”

Roland just glowered back before eating faster.

On his other side, Lilith elbowed him, “You want me to start checking under your bed?”

Again, ignoring them.

Brick reached over Mordecai to further spoil the bird, laughing at Bloodwing frantically pecking at the offered jerky, “You want me to sleep outside your tent?”

Ignoring.

Bloodwing just screamed and somehow that was the last straw.

Tossing the remnants of his dinner into his box, he grabbed it and left into their tent.

For a second it looked like Lilith was going to follow after him before she went back to picking pieces of fruit out of their syrupy bog, “Damn, think he’s actually pissed…”

“Tch, like he wouldn’t be playing along if it was one of us in his place,” Mordecai dismissed that as he cleaned off Bloodwing’s feathers a bit, “Isn’t part of his fancy boy soldier training be to be to take a lot of shit? Not my problem.”

Brick caved a bit, “Yeah but maybe he didn’t expect it from friends…”

The look Brick was giving him barely bent Mordecai’s asshole resolve as Lilith sighed and finished up the last of her dinner, “I’ll go and talk to him but I really think you two should apologize in the morning.”

Brick put a hand on Mordecai’s shoulder that said ‘you’re apologizing too or you’re sleeping alone in the sand’, “Alright, Lil. Sounds good, right Mordy?”

The noncommittal grumbling was the best they were going to get.

\- - -

“There’s sand fucking everywhere,” Mordecai hissed, trying and failing to brush it out of the tent.

“You never been on a beach before?” Brick asked, trying to think of literally anything he could pull up about Artemis in his mind. Trees. Not a lot of cities. Ponds. Streams. Do either of those have beaches?

“No,” Mordecai gave up, at least throwing a fistful out the front flap, “Don’t think I’m a big fan, now that I have.”

“Heh, you’re not a fan of a lot of things, huh?”

“Nope. I like three things in this world. You, Bloodwing, and a good drink.”

“Aw, you let me be the first in the list.”

“Don’t tell Bloodwing.”

“Y’know, if it’s your first time on a beach we could wait a bit, sneak out, get you to try that skinny dipping I mentioned earlier…”

“I don’t want my bare, boney ass out in the moonlight.”

“S’fun though.”

Both jerked their heads towards a noise outside. Tent flap pushed aside by a blue tattooed arm, followed quickly by the rest of Lilith awkwardly crawling through and tossing her bedroll between them with a terse, “Welp. Roland didn’t even let me in the door. Flap. Whatever. Move over.”

Flopping her roll open, Lilith collapsed on her back between them with a heavy sigh.

“So he’s actually angry about it, huh?” Brick asked, like Lilith being here wasn’t enough of an answer.

“Real angry,” Lilith grabbed Mordecai’s knee, “He’s just a more quiet angry unlike Mr. Adult Tantrum over here.”

“Don’t touch me.” Mordecai sharply slapped her hand.

Instantly, she slapped him right back, harder, “Don’t slap me.”

“Do I gotta separate you two?” Brick grabbed the edge of Lilith’s bedroll and dragged her a few inches, “Makin’ me feel like I’m takin’ kids on a damn road trip, here.”

“Sorry, dad,” Lilith rolled her head towards him, “I just… feel bad. Spent my teen years getting bullied now I’m being a bully and to my own boyfriend nonetheless.”

“Didn’t think he’d take it so personally,” Brick scratched at the back of his neck, looking back towards the other tent, “Wonder why.”

“I think he builds up too much of his reputation on being tough and unshakeable,” Lilith rolled onto her stomach, propping her head up with a sigh, “I mean, until today his fears were fake and irrational and now they’re staring him in the face. And then we kept poking at him about it when he’s still coming to terms with them existing. Probably.”

“I guess I’d be upset too if I was scared of anything and you guys were makin’ fun of me,” Brick scratched at his chest.

“Nice humble brag there, Brick,” Lilith rolled her eyes over to him.

“What? I’m seven foot four an’ bigger than any and everything.”

“I mean, you have to be scared of SOMETHING. Mordecai too.”

“Leave me out of this,” Mordecai started reaching for the light, “This all sounds exactly like not my problem so get comfy because you’ve got five seconds before you’ve gotta do it blind.”

He watched Lilith sadly squirm down into her blankets, trying not to look too deeply annoyed at the woman wedged between him and his boyfriend. First night since getting together he wasn’t going to be able to sleep wedged face first into a pile of muscles. To say he was bitter was an understatement.

Darkness falling over them didn’t stop the discussion though, Mordecai not sure why he’d thought it would.

“Mordecai, do you feel bad about upsetting Roland literally at all?”

“Shut up, Lilith.”

She took a swing at him but her slap missed and harmlessly hit his bedroll, “C’mon, I know you’re warming up to us. Do you really want to go back to square one with him?”

Grimacing in the dark, Mordecai had to admit he didn’t.

His silence was telling.

Brick piled on, “An’ he’s so mad that he kicked Lilith out even though that, you know, leaves him alone AND scared.”

Okay, that… that one managed to make Mordecai feel a bit actually bad.

“Ohhh no, I didn’t even think of that…” Lilith’s voice was quiet, “Should I try to get back in there? He’s stronger than me but I’m faster than him.”

“Y’know, YOU’RE not big enough to force your way into the tent but…”

Brick’s implication obvious.

\- - -

Over in his tent, Roland had grown to very, very quickly regret his decision to kick his only companion out of the shabby tent. Every gust of wind against it making his mind race with the possibilities of something scratching at it.

Brain cursing his older brother on repeat, why’d the big fuckin’ jerk have to sit him down and show him all this favorite monster movies when he was still a kid?

His paranoia increased at every idle movement of the tent until the flap suddenly getting thrown wide open.

Nearly aiming a kick until he saw the flash of bright red hair, face instead contorted into a grimace as he tried to push her back out, “I told you to go sleep in the other-”

Instantly, his careful shoving was met by a less careful one. Hand half the side of his chest pushing him down onto his ass with alarming ease.

Before he could get back up, Lilith’d squirmed all the way into the tent and wiggled her way under his arm, “I know what you told me to do and what you did was send me to people would can very, very easily help me get back in here.”

“Great, now you’re physically bullying me too,” Roland tried to pull away from the tight grip she had on his arm, “You gonna give me a wedgie next?”

The cramped tent grew more so as Mordecai awkwardly crumpled his way in, long legs barely able to sit cross legged as he crammed himself into the corner like physical contact with anyone but Brick would make him melt.

Their fourth unable to do anything but lay on his stomach, just barely able to fit his arms and shoulders inside unless he wanted to get reeeaaaalll cozy with everyone already wedged inside the tent.

“Didn’t want you to be all alone and scared in here,” Lilith nuzzled into his chest.

Again, he failed to pull her off himself at the weird angle, “So, more bullying. In short.”

“No, no, actually… genuinely didn’t want you to be scared because maybe we just a teeny tiny bit… sorry. So. We’re sorry.”

She punctuated the apology with a peck on the cheek, the smallest twitch of a smile tugging at the edge of the mouth before he looked at the other two, expectantly.

Brick grabbed and shook his leg a little, “Yeah, man. Been avoidin’ being a bully my whole life yet here I am. Sorry.”

Looking at Mordecai last, Roland wasn’t banking on much.

His “Sorry.” was short and abrupt, everything about his body language saying he’d do just about anything to not be sitting here, swallowing his pride.

But it was the best he was gonna get.

Sighing, Roland stopped trying to pull Lilith off. Letting her settle into his side as he accepted, “It’s… fine. Just don’t do it again and it’ll stay fine.”

“Aaand,” Lilith continued, rolling her eyes over to the other two, “We also agreed in the other tent that, to be fair, we were going to share our biggest fears with you too. Out of solidarity.”

Now that got a real smile out of Roland, finally putting an arm around Lilith in return, “Alright then, ladies first.”

Lilith held up her hand with a small flash of flame the briefly illuminate them, “Open water. I can, like, swim around in the shallows and have a blast but the second it’s over my head I start freaking out. I mean, I guess it makes sense, right? Can’t use my powers out there. Just start picturing something dragging me under the waves while I can’t do anything to stop it. Not long until I freeze up and nearly start drowning.”

“Wait, but if somethin’ grabbed you, you could just phasewalk out. Er, phaseswim?”

“Shut up, Brick!” Lilith threw her arms up, “I didn’t say it was logical! Now you gotta go second.”

“Well, don’t really got anythin’... tangible I’m scared of,” Brick looked down at his arms, “Not like anythin’ can really physically hurt me. So, I guess I’m just scared of hurting people I care about. Be real easy to take someone out on accident an’ it’s not as… likely but if I lost control it’d be even more easy to kill someone in a blind rage. So I guess what I’m scared of is myself.”

“Aww, Brick,” Lilith leaned forward to pat him on the head, “It’s okay, we all know you’d never hurt us.”

Resting his head on his arms, Brick nodded, “I know but like you said, don’t gotta make sense.”

All three looked at the last person to confess, who had grown increasingly uncomfortable at each one before him.

Arms crossed tightly, Mordecai’s brows were tightly knitted together.

“Mordecai,” Lilith put on a stern, mock-motherly voice, “You’re not allowed to keep it to yourself after we all said ours.”

“Shit, it’s just…” Mordecai’s shoulders went even high, “You two just dropped all these serious things you’re scared of and mine’s just… stupid.”

“Well, you called mine stupid,” Roland smirked, “So it’s your turn.”

For a second it looked like Mordecai was going to make a break for it if not for the fact Brick was completely filling the only exit. Face contorted in agony as he said it, too strained to be heard.

“Gotta speak up, killer.”

“Mimes.”

Roland balked, unable to stop the sharp bark of laughter than garnered him Mordecai’s coldest glare yet, “Mimes?!”

“Shut the fuck up,” Mordecai sneered, “Fuckin’... weird painted asshole just kept following me around. Thing the dumb bastard was angry that he couldn’t get me to play along with him so he just kept… makin’ boxes around me and acting surprised when I kept walking past. Finally got me cornered and made a fake lasso and when I still wouldn’t play ball he just started pretendin’ that he was pulling himself over to me until…”

Mordecai just balled his hand into a fist.

Lilith sounded like she was just about to burst, “Oh my god, Mordecai did you punch a mime?!”

Roland didn’t bother trying to keep it in, openly laughing as he was glared down, “You’re makin’ fun of me for being scared of monsters and your ass punched out a mime when you were a little boy?!”

Mordecai mumbled something.

“What?”

“I wasn’t a kid.”

Brick chuckled, “How old were ya, Mordy?”

“...Twenty-six.”

Their collective roaring laughter echoed loudly over the beach, cut up only by Mordecai yelling at all of them to shut the fuck up.

\- - -

How they’d managed to fit Brick into the tent eluded all of them, knowing only that it was a struggle whose outcome they should not question.

No one was quite sure who had suggested they all stay in the same tent, just for tonight, but if they had to take a guess it was probably the lightly smushed Lilith. Wedged should-be uncomfortably between one of Brick’s biceps and Roland’s chest.

She wasn’t complaining though, even though she was surely to be the last to fall asleep.

Brick and Mordecai already out cold for a while now, Brick snoring away in Mordecai’s ear. A long, thick french braid curled over his thin shoulder. Lilith’s handiwork.

Roland behind her was starting to doze off, if not for the fact Lilith just kept talking to him.

Yeah, she was THAT girl at sleepovers.

“They look really cute together like that,” she referred to their knocked out tent mates fondly, “Y’know maybe me thinking they could be a cute couple isn’t the craziest, am I right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Roland agreed, trying not to give her a look coldly reading ‘no shit’. He still hadn’t decided if he should just tell her or let her figure it out for herself, “They’re certainly… close.”

“You feeling less scared now?” Lilith switched gear, straining to look back at him.

“Yeah,” Roland had to admit, the absurdity of fitting them all in one tent had certainly alleviate that, “But if I hear one noise outside-”

As if on cue, the sudden noise of something smacking into the side of the tent made him shriek.

Everyone jolting awake, Brick already halfway to a crouch despite still clutching Mordecai to his chest when they all realized exactly what had made the noise.

The ruckus outside continued, the sounds of squawking and flapping wings alerting them to the fact their fifth wasn’t enjoying his exclusion.

With some difficulty, Lilith managed to hook a foot around the tent flap and let the creature in as

Bloodwing, indignantly, hopping into the pile he’d been so cruelly left out of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ends as all should: with me flexing my personal agenda of "platonic bedsharing" or I guess tentsharing anyways it's just as important to sleep curled up with your friends/found family as it is your romantic partners send tweet.


	3. Thunderdome Down Underdome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I so desperately wanted to get the entirety of the Underdome in a single chapter but I got predictably trapped in a Moxxi bog that double-d'd the length of the chapter so it's two chapters now.

“I never thought I’d be so happy to be heading right back into the wasteland,” Roland sighed with relief as he hopped out of the technical with a stretch, “But this? This is something I can handle.”

The Underdome loomed in front of them, a colorful flyer for it sticking out of Roland’s back pocket. Big, dumb, fun promised inside. A world of carnage and a fight to remember, all presented loud and proud by a pretty lady.

Was it a bit of a more humble departure from saving the world? Absolutely. Was it going to be a very welcome, fun distraction? Also absolutely. Not to mention, all of them very much enjoyed the idea of a crowd screaming their name after so many months of what felt like a thankless job.

“You said there’s accommodations in there, right? Because I think I’ve had enough tent-time for a while now, we barely stayed in those nasty Jakob’s Cove houses at all,” Lilith raised a hand against the harsh sun, “Be nice to curl up in a real bed, maybe even a nice one.”

“I liked cuddlin’ in the tent,” Brick pouted.

“Yeah because you’re the only one who wasn’t smushed by the end,” Lilith slapped him on the arm, “And THAT’S because you were the one smushing us.”

“Heh, sorry,” Brick rubbed the back of his neck, “Spread out when I sleep sometimes. Also it was just you an’ Roland, Mordy wasn’t squished. Were ya, Mordy?”

“Nope, slept like an extremely safe baby.”

“See? I can be gentle.”

“Yeah, for your favorite,” Roland started leading them inside, dark shade enveloping them as the overhang eclipsed the sun, “But pack up the gentle for now because I wanna win my glory fair and square, gotta outshine you guys at full effort or it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Ohhh, now you think you’re gonna outshine me, huh?” Mordecai whistled for Bloodwing, swooping elegantly to perch on his arm as they entered, “Bold words coming from someone with no flair for the dramatic.”

“Don’t need that,” Roland shook his head, allowing himself a cocky smile, “Only need those if you don’t got the skills. I’ll take my precision military experience over being ‘fancy’ any day.”

“Sounds like someone angling for a wager,” Mordecai scratched Bloodwing’s neck as bystanders eyed the scowling bird warily, “Ain’t that right, boy? Somebody wants me to make a fool of him AND take his money. Buy you a whole bucket of treats, huh?”

“Well if you insist… we can make this a little more interesting,” Roland hooked an arm around Lilith’s waist, her leaning back into it with a lovey-dovey grin up at him, “How about a team battle? Me and mine versus you and yours.”

“I mean, if you want literally no chance of winning,” Mordecai smirked, tilting his head towards Lilith, “Sorry, Lil, nothin’ personal just. Brick.”

The vague gesture towards all of Brick made the man beam with pride, not so subtly flexing as he mirrored Roland’s gesture. Mordecai firmly smashed into his side, Bloodwing scaring off a few looky-loos bursting off of a skinny arm to land on a muscular shoulder. Seemingly playing along with the taunting as he flicked his head at them from his newfound, skyhigh perch.

“Well, can’t argue with that but I like to think I can hold my own,” Lilith put her hands on her hips and stuck out her tongue like that didn’t look like a tasty treat to the beast glowering down at her, “So what’s the rules of this wager? Who wins? Who kills the most? Audience favorite? Beauty contest? I’ve got that last one in the bag.”

“Whoever the crowd’s cheering for by the end,” Mordecai gestured towards the wall as they passed, a long list of loser scribbled on it, “Which, in the end, is whoever’s killed the most. Heard Moxxi keeps track so just… whoever’s standing up next to her as champion of the arena. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure even the biggest badasses get knocked out in this event. Might not even make it to the end every time.”

“There’s three arenas too,” Lilith looked around at them at the doors, each themed after another nearby section of Pandora.

“So best two out of three,” Roland headed towards the table in front, littered with pens and paper, “And if it’s a clean sweep, all three? Double the money.”

Mordecai rubbed his hands together as he squirmed out of a reluctant Brick’s grasp, Bloodwing back on his arm in a second, “Sounds good. How much then?”

Lilith jumped in, “Ten thousand! Twenty thousand for the sweep!”

Roland looked unsure, “Lilith, that’s a l-”

A loud, raspy chicken noise cut him off.

“Real bold of you to make that noise in a bird mask, Mordecai,” Roland bent over to write down his name, “You want people to start thinking you being a chicken is your gimmick?”

“I feel like the massive bird of prey on my arm is a pretty good indicator of my ‘gimmick’, if you wanna call it that,” Mordecai held Bloodwing out toward Roland, the bird’s head craning forward threateningly.

“Get Bloodwing out of my face before he decides something on it looks tasty.”

“Aw, is baby afraid of getting his eyes pecked out?”

Roland gave him a look of disbelief, “Yes, ‘baby’ has a reasonable fear of his eyes getting pecked out. Shut up and write your damn names down.”

The pen was passed between them as they took turns, the Claptrap attending to the table chattering on eagerly about the competition only to be wholeheartedly ignored. But the next person to address them was a bit harder to overlook as she bounced into their line of sight.

“Well, and here I thought that spicy little rumor wasn’t true,” Moxxi traipsed over, hand on her twisting hips, “Made a real boob out of myself with this one. Just gave someone the brush off for claiming the actual, real Vault Hunters themselves were going to be signing up for my Underdome. Didn’t think little ol' me would even begin to register on your radar."

The intense way Roland was making eye contact said he was downright terrified to accidentally look down at her all but exposed chest, "Just because we opened a Vault doesn’t mean we can’t still enjoy the simple things in life.”

“Like a crowd cheering our names!” Lilith chimed in, doing a much worse job of keeping her eyes skyward.

“I supposed even legends need to get their egos stroked,” Moxxi emphasized the last word heavily as she examined them, “And doing this is a little more… personal. I imagine. Don’t think you had a roaring crowd backing you up when you faced that beast.”

“Nah, it killed all the Atlas guys that could have watched us be badasses in like one swing so…” Lilith eyeballed the doors labelled behind Moxxi, “Yeah, no we could use some applause.”

“Well, if you’re raring to go there’s a match that’s down a few starting in about an hour,” Moxxi rolled her eyes over to the arena labelled The Gully, “Never did like underperforming, wouldn’t mind having a few more people there to satisfy the crowd’s lust. Bloodlust, that is.”

Lilith looked back at the men who all just either shrugged or gave her a thumbs up. Her answering for the group, “Sounds good, we’re in.”

“Alright, if you need any pick me ups the bar’s free to competitors. Within reason,” Moxxi waved a hand towards it, “Unless you die, of course. But I get the feeling I won’t have to worry about that from you four, will I?”

“Hell no!” Brick’s voice was always thunderous indoors, stunning Moxxi for a second, “Gonna punch someone’s head clean across the arena.”

Shaking her head, Moxxi regained her composure with a perfectly practiced wink, “I’ll keep you to that, big guy. Besides, you’re the only one who’s kept your eyes neck up the whole time and I really don’t get that very often. So you’re my favorite, for now. See you four in an hour.”

She patted Brick’s massive arm as she passed, disappearing back behind the door to the bank.

“How the hell’d she tell where I was lookin’?” Mordecai mused, tugging at the edge of his mask.

“Are you kidding? You move your head around so much when you’re looking at stuff like-” Lilith started doing her best imitation of a bird, twitching her head around and squawking ‘I’m Mordecai!’ like a parrot.

Her mockery cut short by Bloodwing nailing her with a sharp peck to the head.

Yelping, Lilith reached up and felt the smallest trickle of blood, “Ow! What the fuck, I thought we were friends!”

Roland pulled her over and kissed her on the non-bleeding side of her head, “Think Bloodwing thought you were making fun of him.”

The bird just screamed in response.

\- - -

Of course the first match hadn’t even begun to be an issue, especially considering the wager on the line. Brick and Mordecai quickly coming to the realization that Lilith didn’t exactly intend to play fair, relishing in the fun of being a distraction.

Left both of them wondering the scope of her powers as she seemed to be able to be slapping Brick on the back of the head at the frontlines one second and up in Mordecai’s sniper nest covering his eyes the next.

But for all her trickery it didn’t slow them down a lick, if anything ironically helping a bit as it meant Roland was the only one dedicated to plowing down wave after wave of enemies. Not long until he was overpowered and Lilith was left alone to try and pick up what he’d left over. Falling as well with no back up and being dragged out of the arena to watch the end of the fight.

At the end, Brick and Mordecai alone were left standing. Leaving Moxxi’s cheering, gyrating high above, and leading the crowd in chanting their names all for them.

A pointed victory that left Lilith pouting.

All of this she lamented loudly as they picked her and Roland up from the penalty box, “You guys suck! It’s cheating that you have a third person. Birdson. Bird son.”

She pointed at Bloodwing, like the creature could feel guilt or something.

The way Bloodwing didn’t flinch at the large hand on his head was a bit unnerving, Brick cooing and smoothing down bloody feathers, “Don’t blame it on Bloodwing, he’s just a lil’ baby birdie.”

“Maybe if you weren’t tryin’ so hard to be a distraction you could have actually helped Roland,” Mordecai smirked, “Might not have made such an ass out of yourselves. People prolly thinkin’ we let you guys tag along to open the Vault just ‘cause we like you.”

“It was his idea!” she pointed accusingly as him, “Oh Lilith blah blah you’re so fast and sexy why don’t you run around and distract them!”

“Never took you for a cheater, Roland,” Mordecai jabbed Bloodwing out at him as they walked back through the lobby, “Bloodwing don’t like cheaters.”

“It’s not cheating, it’s strategy,” Roland asserted as he took a few generous steps away from the hungry looking bird.

“All’s fair in love and war, at least in my Underdome,” they heard called out to them, looking over to see Moxxi leaning on the bar and beckoning them to come over, “I was wondering why you guys seemed so at odds. Got a little betting ring going, huh?”

Absolutely none of them were complaining as they were handed a beer right when they sat. Moxxi erroneously sizing Brick up and giving him a couple extra that were quickly redistributed to Mordecai. Menus placed in front of them, that being something Brick was substantially more interested in. The others watching him quickly tally up what he wanted in his mind, wondering if he was going to be the straw that breaks the skag’s back in regards to ‘the bar is free to competitors, to a point.’

Moxxi herself looked like she was trying to calculate whether Brick was going to put her out of business in the next week. Unsure of which was going to be worse; the days after the arena or the days off, lounging and eating to his heart’s content.

That fear multiplied as her pen nearly ran out of ink taking down his order.

Handing the pad over to an assistant who bustled back to the kitchen, Moxxi leaned back on her elbows again on the stained countertop, “So, a wager between friends. Heard you Vault Hunters were always prodding at each other like that. And what exactly are the terms, if I may be so bold as to ask?”

“The cheater and her handler versus me and Brick,” Mordecai answered, cracking open his first beer with a squawk coming from the stool next to him, “And Bloodwing.”

Moxxi leaned over a bit further to look at the creature, staring up at her with curious, expectant red eyes. Not wanting to get on his bad side- not sure if the bird or the man- she offered, “And what does he like to eat?”

“Skag tongues, got any?”

The disgusted look on her face said no.

“Anything meat then.”

Now that was something she could obliged, peeking in and adding onto their order.

Turning her attention back towards them, she badly hid her intrigue, “So a good old fashioned two versus two. Point five, with the bird. Is it too late in the game to throw my hat into the ring?”

“Depends, do we get your hat or money?” Lilith asked, “Actually I might want the hat. It’s a nice hat.”

“Thanks, sugar,” Moxxi winked, “But I mean money. If I ever replace the hat though, you can have it.”

Lilith’s ‘fuck yeah’ was quiet but emphatic.

Roland took up the reins, “I’m alright with it if everyone else is. What’re you offering?”

“Well, considering the lack of cooperation I just saw… my money’s firmly on Brick and Mordecai,” Moxxi tilted her head towards them, “So how about this. If you two beat the odds and rise to the top, I’ll hand personally double your winnings.”

“What about us, what if we win?” Brick pouted, pulling Mordecai into a half-hug, half-headlock.

“I don’t charge you for singlehanded taking out months worth of food,” Moxxi watched their food begin to come out, just piling in front of him. Watching the tally in her head sharply tick up at the mountain of meat for the mountain of meat.

But Brick only laughed, dragging an entire plate of skag burgers towards him, “What, I don’t get a discount for bein’ your favorite?”

“You’ve got to be an extra special favorite to eat me out of house and home,” with an affectionate pat to his head, Moxxi addressed the others, “I’ve already got the accommodations all lined up with you, two days off until the next round. Pardon me for being a bit forward but I imagine all you need is a couple of honeymoon suites.”

It was unsurprising how quickly Moxxi had picked that up.

Equally surprising that Lilith hadn’t, prodding at Mordecai’s arm with a wiggle of her eyebrows, “Ha, she thinks you guys are a couple.”

She didn’t properly decode the deeply confused and somewhat worried looks she got in return, just smiling suggestively back at them like the whole thing hadn’t wooshed right over her head.

Moxxi caught Roland’s eye over Lilith’s head as she teased them, pointing between Brick and Mordecai and nodding at him with a look of confusion. Roland confirming that, yes, she had hit the target. They were together. Prompting her to point at Lilith with a shrug that Roland matched.

Their pantomime was totally missed by Lilith, as always too busy trying to nudge them together to realize her goal had been achieved long ago.

\- - -

“Does… does Lilith seriously not know?”

Mordecai’s question seemed stupid, especially considering the surprisingly lavish room in front of them. A heart-shaped bed that actually looked soft, a little sitting area, some nice drawers for their clothes.

Any and everything adorned by hearts and kiss marks, no doubt hand decorated by Moxxi herself. Maybe a bit tacky design wise but damn, not a patch or stain in sight. He had to admit, he was impressed.

“I mean,” Mordecai continued, “I’m not some big PDA guy but I don’t think it’s subtle either.”

Brick shrugged, already testing the bed, “I ‘unno. Roland knows, right?”

“Yeah, figured it out a long ass time ago,” Mordecai watched Brick swing his legs up, content that the wood wasn’t going to splinter under him, “I get that he keeps things to himself but you think he’d at least like… tell her.”

“Heh, maybe he waited too long and now he’s stuck there.”

“Ha, prolly,” Brick grabbed at Mordecai’s wrist as he tried to walk past, easily dragging him towards him, “Y’know, you told Bloodwing he’s a good boy but you ain’t told me yet.”

“And I still got a bird on my wrist.”

Brick let go, “Then let ‘im go to bed, s’getting dark out anyways.”

Mordecai wandered over to the balcony, Bloodwing still on his shoulder. Moxxi’d said there was a little place out there for pets, not necessarily tailored specifically for birds but that maybe Bloodwing’d like it anyways. It was closer to a dog house, probably having seen many skag inhabitants in its day. Shrugging Bloodwing down, the bird cautiously approached it. Examining it for a while before hopping inside.

Always did like knowing exactly where he was sleeping.

Heading back inside, Mordecai stretched, “So on the scale of one to ten how much rougher do you think next round’ll be? Roland and Lilith definitely ain’t gonna be so scattered this time.”

“I ‘unno, like a seven? Eight?” Brick oddly counted on his fingers, “Lilith’s a better fighter than Roland so.”

“You know, it’d be real sexy if you’d say that to his face some time. Really get me going.”

Brick’s laugh shook the bed, “You want me to bully Roland for you?”

“Absolutely,” Mordecai wandered around the room, poking around curiously at the unusually nice accomodations some more, “I mean, what’s he gonna do? Pick a fight with you?”

“You’re a mean little man sometimes, you know that, right?”

“Just a lil’ bit. Sometimes.”

“So about my turn tellin’ me how good I am…” Brick trailed off, watching him expectantly.

Pushing open the heavy door, Mordecai saw the cleanest bathroom he’d seen since landing on his hellhole of a planet and one of the nicer ones he’d seen in his life in general. Looking downright otherworldly in its cleanliness, a colossal tub taking up half the damn room with a pristine showerhead above.

His surprised ‘holy shit’ brought Brick over, door being opened further with a whistle, “Ain’t seen a tub big enough to fit me since leavin’ Menoetius.”

“Shit, man, first non-public shower I’ve seen on Pandora,” Mordecai was already dumping his harness on the ground outside it, “Actual fucking privacy.”

Brick grinned, trying to nudge his way in as well, “Ain’t no Roland in the way anymore…”

A bony shoulder tried and failed to push him back, “Nope, not this time. Alone time. For once. S’been months, man.”

Pathetically pawing at Mordecai’s hand, Brick put on his best puppy dog pout. Already waiting on his delayed praise and not wanting to tack ‘didn’t get to shower with Mordy’ on too. A sad little whimper that didn’t match his face making Mordecai laugh and shake his head.

Despite the big show of a sigh and a hand on his hip, Mordecai couldn’t be actually annoyed, “If you let me take a shower alone I’ll sit in the tub with you for however long you want.”

That lit his face back up.

“Y’know, it’s bullshit how cute you are,” Mordecai reached up and affectionately ran his thumb along the long scar splitting Brick’s lip, “Now get out of here before I give in and let you stay.”

“S’what I want though,” Brick still obediently backed away, “If I started flexing, would it change your mind?”

“Probably, so I’m just gonna close the door. Just give me like ten minutes, damn.”

“Five?”

“Fifteen.”

“That’s not how haggling works, Mordy.”

“Keep pressin’, I’ll make it twenty.”

\- - -

As easy as their first victory had been Mordecai wasn’t necessarily looking forward to the second round. The two nice, lazy days between their matches making him wish they’d had a more conventional vacation lined up.

But Brick seemed excited but given that “punching” seemed to be just about the only thing that amuses him it was unsurprising.

Mordecai, however, doesn't mind some time away from pressing a goggle against a scope for hours on end.

Lilith’s weird, bouncy shadowboxing was reminiscent of her poor imitation of Brick up on the stage in New Haven, “Alright! A couple yesterdays ago? A Wash! But today? Gonna kick both your asses with one arm tied behind my back! The left one and that’s my good one!”

“No, nope, both arms untied,” Roland asserted, hands on hips, “Full effort.”

“Ah shit, we’re supposed to be trying? I’ve been coasting the whole time.”

“Shut up, Mordy!” Lilith lightly popped him one on the arm, dodging the return smack, “Hell-burbia more like… Hell-..... Hell-......... shut up!”

“You and Roland are really bad at trash talk,” Mordecai cackled, “Better luck next round with that, maybe brainstorm some tonight. Get ready for it.”

Before Lilith could spit out some half-baked comeback the door opened up into the arena.

\- - -

The difference between today and two days ago was stark, Lilith focusing on actually fighting very much turning the tides in favor of her and Roland.

A reminder that Sirens are, in fact, some of the most powerful beings in the universe.

Keeping up was actually a challenge this time, Brick struggling the most as Lilith was much faster than he could ever hope to be. Bursting in and out of the battlefield, preventing him from even reaching a single target before it burst into a confetti cannon of blood at the unnatural, twisting energy bursting through it.

Even Mordecai’s unwavering confidence in his fighting ability was balking a bit at the showy display backed up by Roland’s years of military experience.

Not to mention Lilith in her full fledged glory was switching a lot of bandit attention to him and Brick from weirder angles. Avoiding even Roland as it provoked her wrath. Getting more careful and sneaky to avoid exploding in a flash of orange flames. Leaving them with double the swarms at half the ability to kill them.

And it was easy for Lilith to pick and choose who to snatch up to best keep the other two on their toes.

Eventually bandits managed to get up to Mordecai’s sniper nest with the erratic chaos above. Even though he was barreling towards them, Brick way too far away to do much but watch Mordecai clumsily make a stab at the small crowd that sent his sword clattering to the ground. Landing an ineffectual punch that only made him jerk his hand back with a hiss before toppling over the edge and slamming to the ground.

Moxxi above announcing his fall as his dazed body was hauled out of the arena.

Down and out, but not seriously damaged. But more than enough to leave their team down a member and Brick too distracted worrying about Mordecai to do anything more than just coast.

\- - -

By the time the Mordecai stumbled out of the small infirmary he’d been dumped in, the match was over. Brick running over to check on him while Mordecai tried to bat him away with an annoyed insistence that he was fine. Nothing the Underdome doctors couldn’t patch up.

Roland took his time carrying Lilith over a shoulder like a sack of potatoes, her not remotely slowing her roll when it came to taunting them. Upside down but grinning madly, “Oh man, look who just evened the score! Her name rhymes with Milith!!”

“Looks like the clean sweep’s gone out the window,” Roland patted her leg, “But, uh, I’m feeling pretty confident right now and we’re still getting the bonus from Moxxi if we win. So get ready to pay up for somebody’s huge appetite.”

He nodded his head towards Brick with a smirk, like the man wasn’t used to paying hand-over-fist to keep himself fed.

“It ain’t over yet,” Mordecai patted Brick’s arm, “You know that it’s still a fifty-fifty shot, right?”

“Yeah keep telling yourself that,” Lilith twisted around to jeer at them as Roland carried her away, “Siren Squad, roll out!!”

The smack to Roland’s ass the second they were out of sight and his subsequent bark of surprise was still loud in the lobby.

Both of them knew they were right though, after today’s performance…

They just can’t measure up against a Siren.

Both were silent as they walked back up to their room, not across from Lilith and Roland’s for once. Their footsteps loud in the hallway leading up to it, the other rooms vacant. No wonder Moxxi’d tried to get them into the arena tout suite considering she had no other headliners lined up.

Brick collapsing onto the soft, red bed and sinking in, looking lazily through the room service menu. Nose crinkling in annoyance as he had to actually calculate how much he could afford, knowing how much would be going to Lilith and Roland.

Meanwhile, Mordecai paced back and forth aimlessly. Muttering quietly to himself.

Whether he was plotting something or just cursing out the world was unknown.

It was making Brick anxious though, “C’mere, Mordy. Gonna pace a hole in the carpet an’ Moxxi’ll make us pay for it. Let’s just get somethin’ to eat and then maybe fool around in the tub again. Got a couple days off, just pretend it’s a real vacation or something.”

“Fuckin’ rather be on vacation, be just as expensive without puttin’ in all this damn work,” his eyes lit up behind his mask at that though, “Y’know, we could always just take off in the night. Use the money we would have had to pay to Roland and Lilith, go on a romantic trip, just us. Leave ‘em a note that says ‘IOU’ and just never come back.”

“When you gonna stop tryin’ to get me to run away with you?”

“When other people stop annoying me.”

For a while Brick was quiet, looking down at his hands laced over his stomach.

“Y’don’t… do you think of Lilith and Roland as your friends? You like being around ‘em, right?”

Ah, directly being asked about his feelings. Mordecai’s favorite.

His answer was predictably defensive, “They’re… alright. I don’t mind being around them.”

“I just…” Brick fidgeted nervously, “You just… I don’t wanna run away from ‘em on bad terms but if you don’t… wanna be around them. I mean, we opened the Vault. We don’t have to stick with them if you really, really don’t want to. We can leave.”

It was painfully obvious that Brick didn’t want that.

Brushing it off wasn’t going to work, at least not without Brick stuck focusing in on it until it drives him crazy. Dude’s great at shrugging off problems he can’t see but this… he’ll be stuck thinking about it forever. Every time Mordecai is slightly bitchy towards either of the other two.

And that wasn’t something he could curb, especially if they were going to be handing money over to a no doubt smug and gloating Lilith.

“I don’t… really want to leave,” Mordecai crossed his arms, avoiding eye contact with Brick’s weird, sad look, “I’m just joking. Roland and Lilith are… my friends. As much as someone like me can have friends.”

Brick didn’t look tremendously happy with that answer but there was a sound outside their room that made them both look over, interrupting any deeper discussion.

A steady clicking down the hallway, stopping right outside their room and replaced by three, sharp raps on their door.

Cracking it open, Moxxi looked up at Mordecai with an unamused look on her face, “Can I come in? The answer is yes, I have a key. The question is just to be polite.”

“I guess,” Mordecai barely getting the door open before she squeezed through and quickly shut it behind her. Not even remotely waiting for either man to catch up with her before she settled down on one of the arm chairs and crossed her legs. Looking over at them expectantly.

All four of them had talked to Moxxi a hell of a lot over the bar the past couple days, the woman wasn’t exactly a closed book when it comes to her life. Seemed glad anyone was willing to actually talk to her, if anything.

An odd kind of loneliness, always surrounded by sycophants, unused to being talked to on an even playing field.

But still, showing up to just half of them, alone in their room… that was weird.

Mordecai tried not to sound rude but failed, “What’re you doing here?”

“Warm welcome,” Moxxi noted, nodding for them to sit with her, “Just came to have a little chat about the final match.”

Brick took up a comical amount of the couch, Mordecai regarding Moxxi carefully as he joined him, “What about it?”

“You can’t afford to lose by which I mean I can’t afford for you to lose, quite literally,” Moxxi replied, hands crossed on her knees, “When I said I would double the winnings… well, after your others poor performance in the first round… had a lot of confidence this wouldn’t be a problem. But after today…”

“I don’t know if you’re tryin’ to be threatening or intimidating or just kinda insulting but it ain’t working. Except the ‘kinda insulting’ part,” Mordecai leaned on an elbow, glaring her down behind his goggles, “If you’ve got a point, get to it.”

Moxxi maintained her composure, calmly responding, “Above the stadium I can see everything. Hell of a view. Good for callouts but also good for seeing people’s strategies or lack therefore of.”

“Thanks,” Mordecai grumbled, “Again, you got a point?”

“Yes, Roland and Lilith technically did much, much better this round. I underestimated the power of a Siren just as much as you two did but they’re relying too much on being flashy and distracting. Her and Roland don’t work together at all and they’re both short to midrange fighters. They have versatility on their side but not teamwork.”

“Don’t see how that’s supposed to help us.”

“Yeah, me an’ Mordy already got teamwork,” Brick tilted his head at her, “An’ we’re opposites so we got both sides covered. The hell else we gonna do?”

“You’re right, you have the teamwork but you don’t have the flexibility,” Moxxi emphasized the last word heavily, “Brick, you’re not fast enough to outrun Lilith so if an enemy’s not on top of you there’s nothing you can do but try and fail to outrun her to the next. Mordecai, on the other hand, once someone’s got a grip on you there’s not really much you’ve got to back it up.”

“So did you just come here to insult us, or-”

Rolling her eyes, Moxxi shook her head, “Normally there’s two days between matches but I think I can swing a third. My suggestion, for my sake and yours? Try out some different positions.”

Brick’s face went red, “That’s personal, y’don’t-”

Moxxi cut him off with an incredulous look, “You teach him to throw a punch and he teaches you to shoot.”

“Heh, oh,” Brick only went redder, scratching the back of his neck uncomfortably.

“I’m not saying either of you’ll master anything in a few days but it’ll be enough to even the playing field a bit,” Moxxi leaned forward far enough that it brought her dangerously close to spilling out of her top, “Now to make theirs a bit more treacherous… you know how Lilith was herding the bandits around? If you do the same while having a way to deal with them yourself… well, your pal Roland’s got a blind spot right behind him as big as Elpis. I swear, a Rakk Hive could sneak up on the man. Watched him nearly get knocked out a hundred times over. Lilith covers for him a bit but the girl’s easily distracted…”

“Damn girl, you smart as hell,” Brick complimented the beaming Moxxi.

“I’m more than just a pretty face,” Moxxi smiled, “Anyone who thinks you can get to be on top with looks alone is a fool. Is everything I do above the table? Not necessarily but I do whatever I need to to survive.”

“Hey, if it’s in our favor, I ain’t complaining,” Mordecai grinned.

“It is and to sweeten the deal a bit… why don’t you train in the final arena? It’s going to be empty anyways. There’s some small scale stuff going on in the Gully and Hell-burbia but nothing I need to be there for so if you like people watching… well, I like to think my input is valuable.”

“I’m down,” Brick put an arm around Mordecai, “You wanna, Mordy?”

“Fine by me. You always do this kinda meddling with competitors or are we just special?” Mordecai leaned back against Brick, patting his arm.

“Normally I’m not exactly cozying up to competitors in general, just got in a little over my head playing with my new friends,” Moxxi looked away, “Considering my own little addition to the betting pot. Don’t normally bite off more than I can chew like that.”

Brick had perked up at ‘friends’, knocking the hat off a surprised Moxxi as he affectionately patted her head, “Aw, you called us friends.”

Moxxi regained her composure quickly, plucking her hat from the ground as she lazily sauntered to the door, “And nothing in the rules says I can’t help my friends. But as far as Roland and Lilith are concerned… mums the word, right? See you boys tomorrow.”

With a shushing finger and a wink, Moxxi disappeared with a quiet ‘click’ of the lock behind her.


	4. Guns And Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part of why this chapter took so long other than thanksgiving/black friday is i had to fuckin research how the hell to throw a punch
> 
> nobody comment on it still being inaccurate because everything said something different

Moxxi hadn’t specified when she wanted them to meet her in the arena but neither of them was about to get up bright and early, stumbling in at nearly midday.

Turned out to be the right choice as the woman was nowhere to be found.

This arena was weirdly familiar, Moxxi having had some Eridian statues either remade or possibly authentic ones dragged in here. All a weird imitation of where they’d found the Destroyer. Twisting, unnatural patterns set deep in clean stone blocks and half buried artitecture breaching from the ground.

Were it not for Moxxi’s somewhat gaudy decorations plastered over it, it’d be complete deja vu. Her odd little caged tower jutting up from the ground with Bloodwing circling above it and neon signs affixed high above to remind you where you were and what you’re doing.

Both of them wondered how Moxxi’d come about this. Tannis seemed to have a sixth sense for when people were trying to pick apart Eridian ruins, slapping Brick’s hand harshly when she’d caught him trying to pick up a broken off chunk outside of her main digsite.

It hadn’t hurt, but it sent him right back to being a little boy scolded by a stern teacher.

Well, as ‘little’ as Brick was ever able to be.

“When d’ya think Moxxi even wanted us here?” Brick eyed the rocks curiously, wondering if Moxxi would chastise him just like Tannis if he tried to take a piece. Or, hell, would the scientist herself appear out of thin air to chase him off like a nun with a ruler?

“I dunno,” Mordecai looked up at the tower, “All she said was ‘tomorrow’.”

“We… gonna wait for her? Try to find her?” Brick tried to think where he’d even seen her disappear off to in her quiet moments.

“Nah, just… we’ll start, I’m sure she’ll show up soon,” Mordecai looked around for a good place to begin. This fairly flat area set deep in the stones as good as anywhere, setting his sniper rifle down on one of the many platforms surrounding them, “Besides, I think she mostly wants t’help with strategy stuff. Knows when and where the waves are coming from, shortcuts in the stadium, ammo stashes. Stuff like that. Not really a part of the whole ‘learn to do the thing’... thing.”

“Maybe she wants to learn to throw a punch too.”

“Who the hell said I wanted to share my teacher?”

“Am I your boxing instructor or your kindergarten teacher? Do I gotta teach you to share too?”

“Nah, I’m an adult,” Mordecai gestured widely, like the whole arena was his “I ain’t gotta share.”

Speaking of things that usually didn’t like sharing, Bloodwing swooped down seemed to be wanting their attention. Mordecai just waved him away, watching the annoyed bird fly back to up his perch on the high tower. Shooting him back a dirty look and fluffing up his feathers.

Back to the topic at hand, “Mordy, that’s not how it works.”

“Yeah, it is.”

Brick shook his head, ironically doing a bit of the same to Mordecai as he just sort of pet the top of the mask, “You’re lucky you’re cute, you know that, right?”

“Nah, I’m lucky you think I’m cute,” Mordecai patted a bicep, “Nobody can say shit about me bein’ an asshole with you around. You’d throw ‘em clean through the wall for me, right?”

“You’re always tryin’ to get me to play bully for you.”

“I’m just sayin’. You ever want to, would be real sexy thing for you to do.”

Brick shook his head, “We’re here to get you better at punchin’, not better at gettin’ me to punch people for you. Also don’t use what I’m gonna teach you to bully anyone yourself. Be real disappointed in you if you did.”

“Yeah, you caught me,” Mordecai gave a weak, playful sock to Brick’s arm, “Gonna become a big ol’ bruiser after this. Steal Lilith’s lunch money and give Roland a wedgie.”

Grabbing the thin wrist, Brick uncurled Mordecai’s hand, “First rule, stop punchin’ with your thumb tucked into your fist. You wanna break your hand? That’s how you break your hand.”

“That…” Mordecai looked down at his hand, recurling it into a proper fist, “That makes sense.”

“S’part why you keep hurting your hand when you punch somethin’,” Brick pointed at applicable parts of the hand as he spoke, his own hand comically dwarfing Mordecai’s, “An’ from what I’ve seen you’re not punchin’ with your knuckles. Reason they call it a knuckle sandwich not a finger sandwich. Second one just sounds kinda dirty.”

“You know finger sandwiches are a normal, not dirty thing that exists, right?”

“No, what t’hell is it? Chicken finger sandwich?”

Mordecai cackled, “No, they’re just like… these mad tiny sandwiches you eat at a tea party.”

“Mordy, I’m gonna ask you to look at me and consider if I’ve ever been to a tea party in my life.”

“I mean, everything about you says you’re exactly the type of man to sit down and have a tea party with a little girl,” Mordecai retorted, “You said you had like four sisters, right? Four times however many little girl friends they have, one of ‘ems gotta dragged you to a tea party.”

“Nah, my sisters were all rough and tumble,” Brick shook his head, “Even lil’ Victoria. She was more interested in makin’ her dolls fight. You ever been to one?”

“Many a little girl tried to drag me over,” Mordecai grinned mischievously, “But I was faster an’ had a slingshot. Up a tree before they could even get within ten feet of me.”

The light backhand tap to the middle of Mordecai’s chest nearly knocked him over, not moving the smirk on his face an inch as Brick chastised him, “Mordy! You were already a bully!”

“They started it.”

“Mordy!!”

He just grinned in response, like he hadn’t just admitted to launching rocks at little girls, “Didn’t hit ‘em in the head or anything. What, like you never knocked your sisters around.”

“No I didn’t an’ I didn’t want to,” Brick put his hands on his hips, questioning his upcoming choice to give Mordecai more bullying avenues, “Couldn’t either. Bigger’n me.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Mordecai waved his hands, “I’ve seen a picture of you as a kid, you weren’t ever little in your damn life. How were-”

For once, Brick looked flustered. Crossing his arms. Nothing weirder than watching his face go bright red, “Yeah, yeah, I’m… the smallest.”

“Holy shit!” Mordecai was elated, reaching up to get his hands on Brick’s shoulders, “How fuckin’ big are your sisters?! You, small!”

Batting him away, Brick pouted, “Now you’re bullyin’ me too.”

“It’s fuckin’ adorable,” Mordecai retorted, hugging him around the waist with a slightly muscle-muffled but nonetheless affectionate, “Mi chaparrito.”

Brick grumbled in response, pulling him off by the back of his shirt like a kitten by the scruff, “Alright, enough embarrassing kid stories. Supposed to be teaching you to throw a punch.”

“You a lightweight boxer on Menoetius?”

“Mordecai.”

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop,” Mordecai gave one more affectionate pat to his arm, “Just think it’s cute. My lil’ Lego Brick.”

That got him a stern warning glare of disapproval.

“I love you?”

Brick’s return “I love you” was grumpy.

A merciful distraction came in the form of Bloodwing swooping down from his high-up perch on Moxxi’s tower. Hopping around on the stone with little clicking noises of his talons. Looking up at Mordecai with an angry look.

“The hell you want, Blood? You jealous I’m payin’ attention to Brick and not you?” Mordecai waved him off, “Unless you’re gonna teach us to fly, get out of here.”

Puffing up again, Bloodwing let out an indignant squawk and flew back off. Still lurking up on that high, high tower perch. Pointedly glaring down at them, hopping up and down on the bar.

“No more distractions,” Mordecai stepped back over, “Gonna beat your ass.”

That got a laugh out of Brick, “Alright then. C’mere.”

Mordecai felt comically undersized as Brick grabbed his hand again and put it back into the proper fist. As always leaving the man wondering how the hell he’d found a partner who somehow makes him feel small after a lifetime of towering over the average crowd.

Felt like a stupid little blushing schoolboy about the whole damn thing too.

“Don’t tuck your thumbs, hit with the knuckle,” Brick repeated, encompassing the comparatively small fist, “You’re gonna want to step forward with the punch. Twist into it. Throw as much of your weight into it as you can.”

“Don’t got a lot of that.”

Brick laughed, “Well, what you got. You’re tall compared to most people, so you’ve got decent reach too.”

The few, experimental punches to the air were clumsy and unnatural, “You know, you got people thinkin’ I’m short.”

“Got people thinking Lil’ is pocket sized,” Brick laughed, patting his chest, “Now stop shadowboxing, ain’t gonna teach you nothing.”

It took a second and a couple more pats because Mordecai realized what Brick was angling at.

“I don’t wanna punch you,” he furrowed his brows.

“You said you were gonna beat my ass like two minutes ago.”

“I was KIDDING.”

Looking skyward, Brick seemed to be clanking all three gears in his head.

“What?” Mordecai grimaced, already knowing the answer.

“Just… trying to think of a polite way to say you ain’t gonna hurt me. Unless you punch below the belt or somethin’ and I trust you to, you know, not to.”

“Or the face.”

Blushing, Brick’s grin was mischievous, “Maybe the face?”

“Friggin’ pervert,” Mordecai cackled, ineffectively shoving at him, “We’re out in the middle of a damn coliseum and you’re out here bein’ a damn creep. What if Moxxi’d shown up? Be real embarrassed then, huh?”

“Nah, I think Moxxi’d be cool about it.”

“Well, I’m gonna have to be the one to veto this one,” he reached up and cradled Brick’s jaw, “I can’t take a swing at that, I like that too much.”

“Aw, alright, not the face,” Brick pouted, “But seriously, hittin’ me in the chest ain’t gonna hurt me. Lilith did it and I was fine and Lilith’s got an arm full of magic.”

“Yeah, you’ve mentioned that. Why the hell did you let Lilith punch you?”

“Changing the subject, Mordy,” Brick spread his arms out, “Come on. Wastin’ daylight.”

“Pandora has a forty-five hour day.”

“Mordy.”

Rolling his eyes behind his mask, Mordecai finally obliged. Reeling back and nailing a weak punch to Brick’s chest, clearly at a fragment of his strength. Brick not even flinching.

Another, somehow even sterner, “Mordy.”

Thus went the next few minutes. Mordecai pulling punches and Brick trying to goad him into throwing an actual one. Can’t gauge his progress if he’s throwing these weak little rabbit punches.

But each was growing in intensity, slowly turning Brick’s response from annoyed to encouraging.

“Come on, full force!”

Obliging, Mordecai did. Closing his eyes and throwing the hardest punch he could muster, connecting solidly with the muscular chest.

Immediate regret.

“Son of a bitch,” Mordecai jerked his hand back, shaking it.

“Hurt your hand, huh?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Mordecai hissed, cradling it tightly against his thin chest “Livin’ up to your name and shit. Ow.”

As predicted, Brick was right about the punching not hurting himself but hadn’t quite predicted this one. Affectionately running a hand over the mask again, accidentally pulling it back and temporarily blinding the man, “You want me to kiss it better?”

Mordecai tugged the mask back into place, glowering, “No.”

A short silence passed.

“Yeah...”

Grabbing the extended hand, Brick planted a kiss on it.

Crushed down smile still shining through, “Got me feelin’ like a prince in a storybook. Except I just punched you in the tit.”

“I mean, that’d be a fairytale I would have liked.”

“Well, next time you’re in charge of a kid? Tell ‘em a story about the Punching Prince or something.”

“People don’t generally leave me in charge of children.”

“Me either,” Mordecai walked over and slid his sniper rifle off the stone with a clattering noise, “I think I’ve punched enough. Right?”

“Last punch wasn’t bad,” Brick confirmed, patting his chest, “Almost made me feel it.”

“Ha ha,” Mordecai flatly responded, throwing his gun to Brick, “See how you do, pendejo.”

It was Brick’s turn to look vaguely uncomfortable at the long, long gun in his hands, “I didn’t think we were gonna… jump right to this. I brought my shotgun-”

“Do I look like I’ve fired a shotgun in my life?”

“No, I guess. I just…”

Well he could barely hit the broadside of a Rakk Hive with a shotgun, how was he supposed to even clip anything with something requiring actual accuracy?

“Pistol’s too small for your hands so you’ve really only got one option, gordito,” Mordecai tapped the barrel.

Grimacing, Brick looked through the scope which was somehow even more disorienting than he’d expected. Shaking his head as he put it back down, “How do you look down that for hours?”

“Very easily,” Mordecai pushes it back up to his eye, “Look keep looking around for a bit. You’ll get used to it.”

“If you say so…”

Meanwhile, he scanned the arena for something to function as a target. Settling on some smaller rocks piled on top of one of the stone pillars, pointing it out, “You see those?”

“Yeah?”

“Alright, you don’t want to center your shot,” Mordecai tugged Brick down into a kneel so he could look over his shoulder, just barely. Distractingly pressed against his side with a pointy chin resting on his shoulder, “Not this far away. It’ll drop off after a certain distance. Experience is all that’ll teach you where that is.”

Great, experience locked subskills. Brick listened, hoping that he’d moved it up enough, “Alright…”

“Don’t let…” Mordecai started before shaking his head, “I mean, I was gonna warn you about the recoil but someone big like you don’t gotta worry about that, huh? Don’t hold it too close to your eye anyways. Just in case.”

Noted, Brick moved it forward, “Now?”

“Yeah, I mean,” Mordecai’s raspy laugh right in his ear made his imminent failure even more embarrassing, “The rocks ain’t going anywhere.”

The crack of Brick’s first shot left that statement true. Missing the rocks by five feet clean.

His swear was emphatic, a booming “SHIT” that made Bloodwing flap his wings high above with a surprisingly quiet squawk in response. Shaking Mordecai’s scrawny body pressed against him.

“Calm down, calm down,” Mordecai resettled against him, “Like I said, the rocks ain’t going anywhere. One miss ain’t nothing. Don’t keep tensing up when you shoot, it’s making you jerk the gun up. Just line up the shot again…”

Brick could swear the way Mordecai was pressing against him was intentionally distracting, practically draped across his shoulders as he watched the giant slowly attempt to line up a better shot.

Pulling the trigger, again it burst against the wall behind the rocks. Missing by several feet again, this time to the right.

This time he swore quieter, more defeated, “Shit…”

Didn’t stop the scrawny man cozying up against him, hand massaging at his neck or lack-therefore-of, “Did it again, just relax. These ain’t even moving targets, just laying there, waiting for you.”

“You ain’t helpin’ and I’m beginning to think you know it,” Brick accused, failing to shrug him off, “Think you’re liking playing hot for teacher, lookin’ at me like the canary that ate the cat.”

“Not how that saying goes, Brick.”

“Yeah, but you-”

Brick just sort of gestured to Mordecai’s whole head and the relevant mask covering it.

“You tried to play sexy teacher too, you just for some reason decided me punching you in the face was sexy,” Mordecai grabbed Brick’s hand, trying to aim as best he could without looking down the sights, “And I’m a lil’ bit better at finding a middle ground, if you want me to get more hands on.”

Brick’s face was red, giggling sounding foreign from such a deep, rumbly voice at the emphasis on the last two words, “Careful, Moxxi’s gonna think you’re coming for her job.”

“Yeah, I’m sure everyone really wants to see me try to pole dance above an arena with a couple of balloons stuffed in my shirt.”

“I ‘unno, I kinda want to. Sans balloons.”

“Poppin’ you in the face, pole dancing, you got any other weird requests for me?”

“Oh, many, many more than I’m gonna express in a public place,” Brick looked back down the scope of the repositioned gun, “‘Cause you’ve veto’d doin’ that in the past too, unfortunately.”

This time when Brick pulled the trigger it hit the mark just barely, the edge of the rock shattering into dust and shrapnel. Up above on the tower, Bloodwing took off. Circling the rocks, looking for an enemy to swoop that wasn’t there.

“Ahí tienes!” Mordecai scratched Brick’s head, “Even distracted by dirty thoughts.”

Brick beamed with pride at that, lowering the gun, “You know, Moxxi ain’t shown up. We could just head back to our room, I think we’re allowed to after twenty minutes.”

“And back to that,” Mordecai shook his head, before a thought crept into his head, “How about this, if you can hit that board up on Moxxi’s Tower I’ll do one of those weird things for you later? Except the public thing.”

Now that got Brick going, nearly knocking Mordecai over as he swung the gun over, wide, to spot his new target, “You gonna help me with this one too?”

“Nah, gotta do it yourself. If not, where’s the challenge?”

One freedom was granted, though. Mordecai taking a few steps back from Brick to let him take the shot without any distractions. Checking up on Bloodwing to make sure he wasn’t in the line of fire. The bird still circling at a distance. Good.

Time to see if the big guy operates well under pressure.

He was certainly taking his damn sweet time, maybe thinking his accuracy would improve if he stared at it longer because he certainly wasn’t experienced enough to be making much in the way of actual calculations.

Keeping dead still, Brick pulled the trigger.

But as the plank of wood exploded he didn’t get a chance to celebrate as a woman’s scream broke the otherwise silence of the wide, open arena.

Both men froze, dumbly staring at the tower in confusion at the sudden outburst until they saw a very angry, disheveled Moxxi haul herself to the edge of the platform. All her voice’s normal elegance gone, replaced with a sharp twang she was just barely restraining as she shouted down at them, “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

“The hell you doing up there?!” Mordecai cupped his hands and yelled back.

“You two knuckleheads were taking too long! I was waiting for hours!” Moxxi swept an arm out, voice retracting back to her normal refinement, “Thought I’d take a little nap up here but silly me, apparently my tower counts as target practice!”

Disappearing for a second, she reappeared as she leapt down. Landing in front of them with two sharp clacks of each heel. Angrily smoothing down her messed up hair, face in a grimace.

“Damn girl, how’d you not shatter your ankles?” Brick asked, a should-be rhetorical question obviously not.

“Years of practice,” Moxxi snipped, “Now why the hell were you taking potshots at my tower?”

“Just tryin’ to find something farther away to shoot at. How were we supposed to guess you were up there?” Mordecai nodded up at it, pretending he didn’t notice Bloodwing land there again. The bird’s odd fixation on the tower making a bit more sense now. He wasn’t about to own up to that failure to read his bird though, “Three shots down here and you didn’t move.”

“I’m a very sound sleeper, if you must know,” Moxxi crossed her arms, examining the rifle in Brick’s hands, “So you boys got started without me...”

“Thought you weren’t here yet,” Mordecai nodded up towards the tower, “Might as well get the basics down.”

“Suppose I can’t blame you… but in the future? Maybe show up just a touch before midday. Maybe,” Moxxi prodded him in the chest before beginning to saunter away with a gesture to follow, “Before you two get back to playing pretend, let me walk you boys around the arena and point some places out. There’s a series of entrances…”

\- - -

A couple days of this and both had sound a somewhat passable ability to do their opposite, even with Moxxi adamantly refusing to be Mordecai’s sparring partner.

“I make a point out of not fighting someone who can smack me from across the room,” she’d quipped with a gesture over her head, indicating the considerable height difference.

But she hung around, sitting off to the side as she watched. Running commentary half cheerleader, half jeerleader. Sometimes barked through her bullhorn, her cackling at their jumps at the sudden noise.

She seemed to be enjoying herself, both of them wondering what ulterior motive was keeping her sitting there.

Whatever it was, she just showed up diligently each day.

Frankly, Mordecai was wondering if Roland and Lilith were getting suspicious. Only seeing those two at night over dinner, light conversations tucked back into the corner table that seemed reserved for them every time.

Those two certainly weren’t training, both of them seeming to think these three days were nothing but a short honeymoon period.

But they were far from their minds as the boys ran drills around the stadium, Moxxi high above the world. Her commentary unusually loud, echoing in the wide empty space as she swung around the edges of her little self imposed cage.

Off from her normal performance, the sexual edges worn down as she just genuinely enjoyed herself.

They weren’t the first to wonder where the performance ended and the real Moxxi began.

But they had an unusual insight to this as she hopped back down. Her friendly approach not completely moving the barrier between them, an untouchable, immaculate woman sauntering towards two men a little more anchored to the ground. Sweaty and panting while she was allowed to lazily saunter around.

Some must envy her position but neither of them did.

Although Mordecai was never a fan of being ordered around. Moxxi doing so as she hopped up to sit on a rock, legs neatly curled underneath herself as she half asked, half demanded, “I put in our lunch order in advance, go get it for me?”

It wasn’t something worth contesting though, Moxxi was excellent about walking that line with him. Never stepping a toe over it.

Any desire to rebel against it crushed down by the fact he had a strong hunch that this ability came from deal with much more dangerous, cruel, angry men than him so it wasn’t a wall he wanted to try and knock down.

So, he just made a vague noise of annoyance that only made her laugh, just a little, before complying.

\- - -

Brick didn’t spend a hell of a lot of time around women alone but when he did it sure was a stark reminder of exactly how much larger he was. All distractions gone, just that fact that Moxxi was roughly the size of a single arm.

Women always had one of two reactions to him.

They either were scared or seemed to understand that he was someone who used his bulk to protect those he loved. Moxxi was the latter, just as Lilith had been.

Much less grabby than Lilith though, who seemed to have one goal and one goal only at all times; ride on his shoulders like a Valkyrie into battle. Moxxi was just there, still not on eye level as she sat on the raised platform. Filing her nails with a ragged old file she’d seemed to have pulled out of nowhere.

Idly, he wondered what it was like to be able to worry about something as small as that.

“You two seem to be having fun with this,” Moxxi noted, sliding her legs out underneath to let them swing. Small clicks each time heels hit stone, almost childishly.

“You do too,” Brick crossed his arms, “Surprised you stayed past the first day.”

‘Why?’ was silently tacked onto the end.

“I don’t normally get to… hang out like this,” Moxxi didn’t let any uncertainty into her eyes, missing the potential innuendo, “You Vault Hunters are a different animal, huh? Seen a lot who pretend to be but they’re just that. Pretenders. Kind of wish I could see more around here.”

“Think you’d see a lot more runnin’ a place like this.”

“No. I mostly just get gloryseekers.”

“Met a lot of people like that,” Brick nodded, “Killed a lot of people like that.”

She laughed, “I’m sure you have, big guy. Hell, I have myself.”

“Probably didn’t punch ‘em. Can’t picture you throwin’ down in a barroom brawl,” Brick laughed.

“No, no,” Moxxi patted her sidearm, “Sharpshooter, like your little boyfriend. Plenty of heel stomps in my day though, nothing wrong with fighting a bit dirty.”

Last word was notably missing the normal, flirtatious inflection as well. A sign of comfort?

“What else you gonna do?” Brick gestured for her to move, taking up nearly the entire stone structure. Moxxi perched somewhat precariously on the edge now as he spoke, “No offense but I don’t envy you… small people.”

“I’m an average sized woman.”

“You’re small to me.”

“That’s true,” Moxxi hovering her hand over his sprawled on his thigh, marvelling at the staggering difference, “Had some big people in the Hodunk clan but nobody quite on your scale. See more in the Underdome though, always wondered what it was like. You ever wonder what it’s like to be regular sized?”

“Nope.”

She laughed at his definitive answer.

“Yeah, you’re not someone to second guess or question anything, huh? I like that. Lot of people spend too much time caught up in their own thoughts, always seems to lead to not knowing what they have when they have it. Too busy trying to be happy to be happy.”

“Yeah, I’d say I’m pretty damn happy,” the way Brick looked towards where Mordecai had exited wasn’t lost on her, “Are you?”

Her eyes widened, not expecting to be questioned. Pursing her lips, she didn’t answer as her eyes swept her arena before answering, “I have no room to complain. My life’s better than it was twenty years ago. So I guess I’m as close as I can be to happy. For me.”

Sympathy tugged at his scarred face, straightforwardly and unintentionally picking open wounds she didn’t terribly want opened with a single question, “What would make you happy?”

“I’d want…” Moxxi answered, though her brain truly didn’t want to, “My family back together. Not… not the whole thing just… my kids.”

She could see Brick silently trying to gauge how old she was, everyone always did when she said that. Knew not to ask though. Not everyone knew they shouldn’t.

So Moxxi just continued, this part not one she considered a secret, “A partner, a good one. Been particularly unlucky with that.”

“I ain’t have any real serious ones until Mordy,” Brick looked up again towards the entrance, like maybe saying his name would bring him back, “Just was a lot a’ short term stuff. Not my choice.”

“Well, that’s familiar,” Moxxi made a face of disappointed disgust before it pulled back into a smile, patting his arm, “But you and Mordecai are cute together. He’s a real grouch but damned if he doesn’t like you. Makes it kinda sweeter. Maybe someday I’ll find someone who treats me like Mordecai treats you.”

Beaming with pride, Brick pat her on the back nearly hard enough to send her flying off the small raised platform, “You’ll find someone Mox. Everyone loves you, right? One of ‘ems got to love-love you eventually.”

Readjusting her hat, Moxxi smiled at the nickname. Been a long time since someone dared to even try to give her one. You really have no fears when you’re that big, huh?

“If I do you’ll be the first to get a wedding invite,” Moxxi’s eyes flickered up to Mordecai returning, obviously struggling to carry the bags and bags of food, “But for now you just focus on winning the Underdome for me, won’t you, sugar?”

With a wink, Moxxi nudged for Brick to go and help his struggling boyfriend.

\- - -

The fact Roland and Lilith had to watch their victory from the penalty box was the cherry on top of the cake.

Standing there up on the podium with hundreds of people chanting their names, a thunderous and rolling wave alternating between “BRICK!!” and “MOR-DE-CAI!!” Neither of them used to the attention, oddly stunned as Moxxi stood between them. Looking small as her own voice was magnified to be heard over the screaming cloud. Unlike them wholly in her element.

Mordecai stole a look up at Roland and Lilith. The former crossing his arms and trying to act like he wasn’t pissed, the latter slumped over with a pouty look he could see on her face even from the ground.

But mad as they may be, it was them standing there. Moxxi struggling to figure out how to raise their arms in victory with her, knowing her own arms would make the cheer barely reach Brick’s shoulders.

Grabbing their arms and shoving them over her head as far as she could, glad when they caught her meaning and claps their hands together high over her head.

The crowd only screamed louder.


	5. Claptrap Clapback

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is like the first update for a major fic in like a month when will the holiday season end?? the answer is approximately two weeks

Of all the things that could possibly try and have an uprising. Claptraps. Freaking Claptraps. A thousand tiny little annoying bots ineffectually swarming them and getting mowed down without an ounce of resistance.

“I kinda feel bad for ‘em,” Lilith carefully stepped over one of the decimated metal corpses, “Too stupid for their own good.”

“I don’t,” Mordecai replied, stepping up on one and leaving him on eye level with Brick for once, “You’re stupid but you ain’t going out and getting yourself steamrolled by people twice your size and ten times your power level.”

“I’m not stupid, you’re stupid!” Lilith stuck out her tongue, “Get down off that Claptrap, playing like you’re tall.”

“Lilith, I’m nearly a foot taller than you.”

“Brick makes you tiny.”

“That’s not how height works,” Mordecai grumbled, not resisting as Brick scooped him up with a laugh.

“S’okay Mordy, you’re tall to me,” Brick gave him a bone cracking squeeze.

“No I ain’t, that’s the problem.”

Heading back to Tannis they handed over the parts, still left in the dark with what she hoped to accomplish with them. Cagey as always, they were vaguely impressed that she’d even managed to get all the way out here. Let herself exist even vaguely close to the bustling Hyperion town below.

Tartarus Station. A weirdly normal slice of civilization compared to some of the places they’d been. Even staying in a fairly nice little Bed And Breakfast like they weren’t festering on Pandora.

Yeah, the Hyperion propaganda posters plastered everywhere inside were off putting and the vending machines being stuffed to the brim with nothing but Hyperion brand guns was troublesome. But hey, it’s not like Hyperion has done some great evil to them, right? Hasn't ripped apart their family, killed their loved ones, tried to destroy all life on Pandora.

Just a nice, friendly corporation slowly expanding their reach into this little backwater planet.

No ulterior motives or anything here.

The town wasn’t without its problems though, habitually being attacked by trains full of bandits. Meager Hyperion guard doing little more than protecting Mr. Blake, the majority of their fighting force coming from the native Pandorans who’d been allowed to live there.

And themselves, for now.

Thankfully, when they headed back down they found the town abnormally lazy. People as relaxed as you can be on Pandora, a few trying to petition the Vault Hunters to come frequent their establishments.

While these early Vault Hunters weren’t absolutely rolling in cash they were certainly doing infinitely better than the average Pandoran, that’s for sure.

Overeager barkers even going as far as to grab at their smaller members, seeming to genuinely believe that if they would just drag Lilith or Mordecai close enough to the door they could trick all four into coming in.

A failure each time, one that was dangerously close to earning them an elbow to the face.

Even their contact, Mr. Blake, just wanted business from them but at least he wasn’t acting like there were any bells and whistles to be had and the money flow was to them rather than away.

They’d caught Lilith slipping though. Big yellow eyes curiously perusing the many fliers she’d had forced into her hand.

Halfway back to their Bed and Breakfast she finally spoke up, wiggling one in Roland’s face with a grin, “You know…”

“No, Lilith,” Roland shook his head, “They just want our money.”

“Augh, duh, every company wants money,” Lilith jerked her arm around to continue her assault on his face, “C’mon, I haven’t been to a spa since I was up on Dionysus! Honestly didn’t think they had them on Pandora and it’s that guy we helped sabotage the other spa, we can probably get a discount.”

“Do I look like someone who’d enjoy a spa?” Roland retorted, “Or any of us for that matter.”

“I’d like a spa day,” Brick undercut Roland’s point.

“Mordecai?”

Correctly, Roland guessed he’d find some backup here in their more spindly member. Mordecai crinkling his nose and shaking his head, “Don’t like strangers touching me. Nasty hands could’ve been anywhere, I don’t know their life.”

“Me either, so we’re not gonna-”

Lacing her fingers and batting her eyes up at Brick, Lilith appealed to him silently.

It took. With a grin and far too much ease, he had both the other men off the ground as he started carrying them towards the spa looming in the distance.

\- - -

The look on the receptionist’s face said that the last thing he expected was to be dealing with today was a giant hauling in an angry birdman and a struggling soldier. Spearheaded by the red haired Siren, leaning on his counter, “Tickets for four, my good man.”

“We don’t… have tickets?” the man looked at the motley crew assembled behind her, “Also we uh, look man I don’t know how to say this but I can’t let you like. Drag people in.”

He gestured at the two captured men, lingering longer on the one that was actively struggling to get away versus the one who was just sort of dangling there, looking annoyed.

“Nah, I ain’t dragging him,” Brick happily jostled Roland which only made him panic and fight back more, “I’m carrying him.”

“That… is not an important distinction,” the man replied.

“C’mon Roland, just give up,” Lilith laughed, firmly patting him on the back of his leg, “Look, Mordy’s accepted his fate.”

Mordecai just grunted in response while Roland retorted, “We’ve got more important things to do than-”

“Look, we’re ALWAYS going to have more important things to do,” Lilith threw up her arms, “The way our lives are going, we’re literally never going to be able to slow down. Ever! So maybe, just for like, one evening? We can just relax and let Pandora be someone else’s problem.”

Roland looked like he was contemplating it but, “Why can’t it be something we ALL like?”

“Because the only thing we all like is murdering so how about tonight we do this and you guys can do whatever the hell you want tomorrow night? It’s not like these Claptraps are really making any headway with their revolution anyways. Just… have a weekend for us and us alone.”

“Like a family vacation!” Brick chipped in, experimentally letting at least Mordecai back to the ground. Grouchy and crossing his arms but not attempting escape. At least lightening up a little at the affectionate hand on his shoulder.

“Like a family vacation,” Lilith agreed, circling around to her own boyfriend, “So are you gonna be an ass or are we going to have a nice time?”

In response, Roland’s face was crunched up into a rather uncharacteristic pout.

“Or, I mean, you can go and sleep on the couch in Brick and Mordecai’s room. Jerk.”

“Augh, fine, put me down,” Roland pushed himself up with a growl, straining against the strong arm still clamping him in place.

“And you won’t try to run off?” Lilith questioned, “Because Brick’s way faster than you if you just wanna be, you know, recaptured.”

He hesitated but answered, “And I won’t run off.”

Brick looked to Lilith for his orders, letting Roland down at the curt nod.

Beyond them, the receptionist looking deeply uncomfortable about exactly what was unfolding. Trying not to look weirded out as he took down their names and let them into the back. Zipping through the back to give the people inside some warning.

\- - -

“See? Isn’t this nice,” Lilith leaned back in her padded chair, sighing contentedly as she tugged up the towel a bit more, “Ohhh I used to do this all the time on Dionysus. Practically got paid in spa tickets sometimes.”

“Gotten massages before, not entirely sure how I feel about this,” Brick peeked out from under one of the cucumber-like vegetables put over their eyes. Not entirely sold on the paste smeared on his face, “Mostly shit is just makin’ me hungry.”

Crunching to his right, Roland tossed another slice in his mouth, “Well, I mean, technically the lady didn’t say anything about us not being able to eat them.”

“Roland, stop, it’s implied and you’ll get us kicked out.”

“Good.”

Lilith glared at him through the seedy coverings, “You’re annoying. Boys are annoying. I want more girl friends and not just Tannis because she won’t do this with me either. Like, a girly one.”

“Probably could have gotten Moxxi to come if this wasn’t so sudden,” Roland adjusted the towel around his waist, “Next time just do that, alright? Her and like, Brick if he wants to.”

“As long as we just like… get somethin’ to eat before,” Brick pat his stomach, “Toss me some of these vegetable things, ain’t much but I’m dying.”

“Don’t thro-” Lilith was cut off by a rain of wet, slimy slices as it was tossed over her, “Augh! Mordecai, help me!”

Mordecai just grumbled, scratching at the edge of the face mask, “This shit’s in my beard, I hate this.”

“That’s why you’re being so quiet over there? Stop being a baby,” Lilith scoffed.

“I miss my bird.”

“Mordecai, he’s just outside.”

Crossing his arms, Mordecai grunted.

“Alright, good to know that when Mordecai is being a pissy baby he just goes into shut up mode,” Lilith rolled her eyes, “Gonna use that against him in the future. Can you just try to enjoy this?”

“No,” Mordecai replied, “Just gonna tough it out.”

Sighing, Lilith closed her eyes, “I’m totally making this a ladies’ night next time...”

“Hey.”

“And Brick.”

\- - -

Through each event they traipsed, only Lilith and Brick letting themselves enjoy the downtime while their partners hunkered down and complained.

“Well, at least they’re still getting along,” Lilith had quipped over lunch, pointing at the two doing their best to lurk in the corner of the small cafe set up inside the spa, “I mean they’re being jackasses but at least they’re being one together. Like a shitty two-man Bloody Harvest costume.”

But as the night wore on they knew it would end soon, for better or for worse.

Stars twinkling in the sky above there was only one thing left on Lilith’s itinerary.

The rooftop hot tub.

“Yeah, I ain’t getting in that thing,” Roland crossed his arms, “It’s way too small, not looking to be crushed up against two-thirds of you. No offense.”

“Offense taken,” Brick shot him a look, “Can’t help how big I am, maybe you should be less small.”

Mordecai just scoffed, “Not what lil’ man’s afraid of, gordito.”

“Oh my god, nobody else is making it weird so don’t make it weird,” Lilith rolled her eyes, “Besides, I’ve got-”

Roland let out an unfounded shout as Lilith dropped her towel abruptly, revealing the black-and-flames bikini.

“Emergency bikini!” Lilith crowed, pointing at it then Mordecai, “And you said it was stupid! Now all you idiots have to go in with towels but me? Comfy swimsuit.”

“Still think it’s stupid. Why the hell were you just carrying this around when we’ve got a place we’re staying?” Mordecai flicked one of the beaded ties.

“Was kind of hoping the Trash Coast would have somewhere we could hop in.”

Mordecai cringed, “What about the name ‘Trash Coast’ made you want to get into that nasty ass water, exactly?”

“The word ‘Coast.’”

Lilith didn’t give him time to question this any further as she stepped into the would-be ample sized tub if not for their unusual party. Sinking in until her hair was floating on the surface like tentacles, trailing off into the white ends.

She didn’t brace in time for the mini-tidal wave from Brick sliding in too fast and instantly displacing seventy percent of the water in the tub. Rushing up her nose as it nearly sent her bursting over the edge, sputtering as her wrist was grabbed. Anchoring her in the tub as she started coughing her brains out, “Brick! Warning!”

“Didn’t think it would be that much,” Brick laughed, “Ain’t good at telling how much space I’m gonna take up in water.”

“The amount is ‘yes’,” Lilith pushed back sopping wet hair as the water rose twice more as the remaining two stepped in, considerably slower to avoid further waterboarding the poor woman, “Man, what’s it like being tall? I wanna be tall. Someone swap legs with me.”

“Don’t wanna trade legs ‘cause I wouldn’t be able to move but I’ll swap left arms if I get the powers,” Brick tapped the tattoos.

“Deal, I want just one gigantic, beefy arm. I’ll walk with a limp but if I hit someone, they’ll freakin’ remember it,” Lilith flexed the skinny arm with a pat.

“Didn’t you punch Brick out flat on his ass though?” Roland looked over at her.

“Yeah but like, people can’t tell it looking at me. I wanna LOOK tougher.”

Rolling his eyes, Roland uncomfortable tugged at the towel digging into his side, “Man, how long do we gotta stay in here having stupid conversations?”

“Until it stops being fun,” Lilith replied, “Not my fault you guys don’t carry around emergency swim trunks.”

“Because that’s stupid,” Mordecai cut in.

“You know, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

“Ain’t trying to catch flies, who would? Nasty,” Mordecai cracked a smile.

“Smart ass,” Lilith splashed the water into his face, before addressing her boyfriend, “Roland, If you keep tugging at that towel I’m going to lose my goddamn mind.”

“You ever had a wet towel half up your ass? It’s not pleasant,” Roland replied.

“Try not having the hugest ass on the team,” Lilith snorted with a shove, “Maybe your towel will fit better.”

“Lil you out here doing ass evaluations when we’re not lookin’?” Brick shot her an oddly critical look, “Damn girl, didn’t even give me any warning. Maybe I woulda skipped leg day less.”

As a curse of her paleness, Lilith lit up red as a stop sign, “I- no, I just- I wasn’t-”

“Ha, you’re a creep,” Mordecai smirked.

“It’s not on purpose! I’m just all over the battlefield and! Shut up!” was Lilith’s only retort before she tried to quickly scramble out of the tub.

Easily stopped by a cracking up Roland grabbing her by the hips and pulling her back in, “What you get to make fun of us and we don’t get to make fun of you?”

“Augh, it’s just something I notice on accident,” Lilith put her hands over her face making one more weak attempt at escape, unable to wiggle free from Roland’s grasp as he pulled her tight against his side, “I’m not like I’m out on a creepy butt safari, I’m just dumb and don’t pay attention where I’m looking until it’s too late.”

“Lilith, nobody actually c-”

“Oh shit.”

Jerking her legs up, Lilith frantically moving her hands around under the water.

“The hell you doin’ over t-”

“I just lost my bikini bottom,” Lilith hissed, unable to see it for the bubbles.

“We turning this into skinny dippin’?” Brick did not wait for an answer before practically ripping the towel off and throwing it onto the ground behind him with a wet slap on the soaked ground. Looking content with himself, spreading his arms out and encompassing half the edge. Ignoring the eye roll from Mordecai.

“Noooo, nope, this is not a thing I am doing today or any other day,” Roland followed Lilith’s earlier lead and attempted to climb out only to be stopped by his towel being snatched with a giggle.

“LILITH,” Roland yelped, slamming back down into the hidden safety of the water, “COUCH. YOU’RE SLEEPING ON IT.”

But Lilith didn’t care, tossing it over the opposite side with a splat and an enthusiastic, “Allyoop!”

Groaning, Roland ground his fingers into his temple, “Mordecai, can you get that for me? You’re the only one still- oh, come ON, don’t abandon my side now!”

But abandon he already had, hesitating for only half a second before eventually shrugging and yanking it off his bony ass and throwing it over the edge with a slightly strained, “When in Rome.”

He did seem to lighten up a bit at Brick grabbing his shoulder and shaking, greatly amused by this turn of events, “That’s the spirit, Mordy!”

Lilith elbowed Roland who was stuck with his jaw down, “Calm down, weirdo, I’ll get your towel for you before you get out. No one’s gonna see your butt.”

Tilting his head back and looking up at the stars, Roland lamented, “You guys suck…”

Before he got a chance to figure out what the wiggling next to him was, he saw the bikini top soar up into his field of view before smacking him in the face.

He didn’t even bother removing it from being draped over his face, “Lilith, why?”

“We’ve already slept in a pile and had to change in the same room for like, a year now,” Lilith waved him away, “I’m pretty sure this barely even counts as a step forward or anything. Hell, I’ve heard some Vault Hunters just shower together to save water.”

“We’re not doing that,” Roland replied, flatly, “Bad enough we gotta use communal showers in New Haven.”

“Naked hot tubbing like some rich weirdos on Eden-3,” Lilith chuckled, tattoos glowing slightly as she got more comfortable, “Frankly, I feel real fancy right now.”

“I don’t,” Brick chuckled, “Did this kinda stuff all the time on Menoetius ‘cept it was more ‘questionable swimming hole’ than ‘hot tub in a kinda niceish neighborhood.’ Lot more people too.”

“Alright, note to self, don’t worry about emergency bikini if I visit Menoetius.”

“You’d think a place called Dionysus would be more about that,” Mordecai noted, “Artemis got some of that but more… women deep in the forest and they sure as hell don’t want any men there.”

“Promethea doesn’t have anything like that,” Roland finally brought his head back up, making peace with the situation and trying to make himself comfortable, “There’s lots of restaurants though. If I’m honest? Miss that part. City may be big and cold but nothing like a hot bowl of noodles while you stare out at the meteorites flying by.”

“Maybe someday we can all go to each others’ planets together,” Lilith mused, “Be like an intergalactic road trip.”

Silence fell over the quartet, all of them wondering how much time they had to do that in.

It was a topic they’d skated over many times, what happens when it’s all over? Were they really just going to keep travelling around Pandora, taking oddjobs and putting down any major threats that arose?

What happens when there’s no more major threats?

Do they leave? Together, forever? Split in two?

Lilith opened her mouth to ask the first question, open Pandora’s box but a sudden screaming and a giant splash right in the center of the bubble tub.

Immediately three of them scrambled out, all modesty forgotten as they tried to get away from the calamity.

All except for Mordecai who was cackling at the bird’s erratic, confused reaction to the frothy water, “Well, look who decided he didn’t much like being left out again.”

“Oh my god, how many bonding moments is Bloodwing going to crash?!” Lilith snatched her towel off the steps into the tub, not minding that she was being used as Roland’s modesty blocker.

“He just wanted to join in,” Mordecai leaned forward and affectionately patted the slowly calming down creature’s damp feathers, “Ain’t that right, boy? You just get lonely without daddy, huh?”

Shaking his head, Roland pointed towards his stolen towel in the corner with his eyes skyward, “Hey Brick can you just… toss me that? I’m just… gonna head home and take a nice, long night of hopefully dreamless sleep.”

“Y’know, you’re not gonna instantly go nuts for dudes if you see another one naked, right?” Brick chuckled, obliging and tossing it over to Lilith in front, “I mean, probably not.”

“Har-de-har,” Roland pulled it around him and grabbed Lilith’s arm, “We’ll see you guys tomorrow and try to finish up this Claptrap mess, alright? Maybe get a little closer to visiting one of our planets then.”

They departed at that, Lilith back to being a giggly mess as she was pushed towards the entrance to leave.

Still rather content, Mordecai leaned back and addressed the only other human left, “Y’know, with them gone we could have a kinda date night up here.”

“Yeah, I ain’t getting in the birdbath with Bloodwing,” Brick picked up his towel and wrapped it around himself, “Kinda got a policy about not letting sharp objects near my junk. Think that’s one I’m gonna stick to. But if you wanna head back to our room…”

“In a bit,” Mordecai watched Bloodwing shake his head under the water a few times, wings flapping and sending droplets of water around like a hurricane, “Let Blood have some fun and get cleaned off first.”

“Alright,” Brick doubled to kiss Mordecai on top of his head, among the damp dreads, “Don’t take too long though or I’ll fall asleep and you know it.”

Maybe ten, fifteen minutes later Mordecai sauntered out, redressed, bird on his arm.

Shaking his head, the receptionist didn’t even want to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at long last i find a way to begin to incorporate my long standing headcanon that all vault hunter groups get way too comfortable around each other, eventually
> 
> albeit i don't picture BL1 crew on the super-way-too-casual-about-nudity scale
> 
> in my head it goes least to most: tales < bl1 < bl3 < bl2 < TPS


	6. The Birds And The Bees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter of this section! Remember to follow the series for updates, they're going to be in chunks of 1 to 12ish chapter installations.

When they’d been told that they were rescuing an ex-Atlas assassin only Roland knew what they were in for.

The stern, hyper capable image they all had in mind wasn’t incorrect per se but one thing they really hadn’t accounted for was “raised from birth Atlas assassins are socially awkward as all fuck.”

It was like Athena was imitating what she thought a human being should act like, rather than just existing. Everything cold and telegraphed and too far removed. All of them wondering what would happen should they try to get her and Tannis to talk to each other. An infinite feedback loop of discomfort that would reverb until either someone gets vomited on or tossed out a window in assumed self defense.

Actually, maybe they should do everything in their power to keep those two apart. Just in case.

As the only one used to this weird behavior, Roland wasn’t phased at all by the woman’s jerky, blunt awkwardness. He seemed excited, really, to have another ex-Atlas deserter to talk to. For all the talk about how much he hated living on Promethea it was the only thing he wanted to talk about right now. The only one able to pry some vaguely friendly words out of Athena when he brought up that killer Atlas coffee.

Not used to being ignored, Lilith was pouting out the open window. Leaning her head on her hand, red hair a wildly flying mass whipping around her face. Mordecai could see her in the rear view mirror, feeling a sudden spike of "I'm old" at the early twenty-something melodrama plastered on her face.

Had he ever been so pointlessly moody? The answer is "yes" and "is his default state" but he just continued being the pot calling the kettle black in his head. He'd argue that his grouchiness was earned through a lifetime of bullshit like Lilith hadn’t had one just as hard.

"Does the bird have to be in the car?" Athena warily eyed the raptor which had traveled up to Brick's shoulder and was absolutely glaring her down.

Mordecai gripped the steering wheel tighter, not terribly fond of their standoffish new member in another act of utter hypocrisy, "Bloodwing just became a girl, you got any idea how confusing that shit is for a bird?"

"I love it, we finally have another girl on the team," Lilith took a break from her brooding to reach out and try to touch the bird, "Best friends foreve- OW."

Whipping her hand back, Lilith badly concealed exactly how bad the sharp nip to her finger was. Blood bright against ghostly skin. Her previous idle hopes that Bloodwing being a girl would make the creature like her more dashed against the rocks.

"I don't think she knows or cares she's a girl now," Athena flatly noted, replying to Mordecai but leaving Lilith feeling like the austere woman could read her mind.

"Did I ask your opinion? Because I don't remember askin’."

Cutting the angry conversation short, Brick affectionately ran a hand over Mordecai's mask, "Grouchy 'cause you hate road trips, huh?"

It was true. Mordecai was dying to get out of the cramped, sweltering car.

There was no conviction behind Mordecai's stifled, "Shut up."

If anyone else giggled at that Mordecai would have taken their head off but it was Brick so he permitted it.

\- - -

The five figures stood in a circle on the streets of T-Bone Junction, an awkward standoff brewing between them.

“You lied to me, Lilith,” Brick crossed his arms, staring down the Siren currently peering up at him sheepishly.

“C’mon, Brick, we’ve got enough girls for like, a normal ladies’ night,” Lilith pled her case, “Besides, don’t you think you’ll have more fun hanging out with Mordecai and Roland tonight?”

“No,” Brick crossed his considerable arms, “They’re just gonna get drunk, get into a argument about somethin’ stupid, then settle said stupid argument with a stupid contest. An’ all I get to do is sit there and be a bored, stupid cheerleader.”

“You can join in on the stupid contests,” Roland offered.

“No I can’t, last one was you claimin’ Mordecai couldn’t knock you over with a running start,” Brick glared down at him, “I’m pretty sure if I hit you with running body slam it’d kill you.”

Roland’s face crinkled in annoyance, “You’re not that much-”

A lazy but firm shove from Brick sent him reeling back, just barely stopping himself from slamming onto the pavement.

Before he could protest that ‘he wasn’t ready, we wasn’t ready,’ Athena cut in, “Brick can take my spot, I really don’t want to do this.”

“Oh come onnn, you can’t skip out on Girl’s Night!” Lilith all but hung off of Athena’s shoulders while the woman tried to casually but frantically squirm away to freedom, “We have enough girls and do you have any idea how rare that is?!”

“No,” Athena sniffed, “My entire squadron was other women. Until I had to hand personally kill them all myself, my sword clea-”

“Well it’s rare for me!” Lilith protested, keeping Athena in a headlock, “And we’re gonna go see if Moxxi’ll join in! We probably only need to clean a few corpses out of her bar for her!”

At the mention of Moxxi’s name, Athena’s face went bright red, “I don’t want to go to the bar, let alone pick up the corpses of my failure.”

Rolling her eyes, Lilith dug her pointy little hands into Athena’s back and started pushing, “No more griping, no more complaining! We’re going, you boys amuse yourselves! Have a jerk off contest, I don’t care!”

Those last words seemed to spur Athena into passively agreeing, like she was worried it was actually on the table as an option. Her inability to read the room working in Lilith’s favor.

But before they got too far, Lilith let out a sharp, little, “Oh!” and trotted back over to Mordecai, who’d been ignoring the whole argument and smoothing Bloodwing’s feathers down.

Weirdly pressing their forearms together to the annoyance of the bird, Lilith gave him nothing but an ambiguous, “Gimme.”

“What the hell do you want?” he pulled his arm and Bloodwing away, eyeing her cautiously.

“Give me Bloodwing.”

“Why?!”

“She’s a girl now, Girl’s Night,” Lilith answered like it was the most obvious thing on the planet.

“Blood’s also a large, screaming bird of prey and she definitely doesn’t want to do whatever dumb shit you're trying to strangle her into," Mordecai pulled even further back as Lilith continued her approach.

"C'mon, let me at least try," Lilith pouted, uncaring that the bird was glaring her down, "It's not like I can keep her there if she doesn't want to be. Just bite me and fly away."

The tapping of their forearms together got more insistent, the feeling of Bloodwing's cold and freaky talons not deterring her in the least. Sighing heavily, Mordecai gave in and tilted his arm towards her and prompting the bird to step off onto her, "Fine, whatever, but if she pecks anyone's eyes out? You're the one taking responsibility."

"Yes!" Lilith enthusiastic fist pump with her free arm, uncomfortably jostling the already uncertain creature on her arm.

Throwing in her two cents, Athena started, "For what it's worth, I think this is a terrible ide-" before getting those same pointy little hands digging into her shoulder blades. Now with the added threat of 'oh god, why is Bloodwing nipping at my hair?'

"Well, who needs girls, am I right?" Roland tried to cheer up the now grouchy Brick.

"I mean, statistically, only you. Technically," Mordecai said, despite liking none too happy about his bird's departure, "I've got options and Brick don't care."

Roland shook his head, "I just… you know what I mean. Dude's Night. Just have to find our own bar, somewhere."

"Man, every bar here that ain't Moxxi's is even more of a dive than I'll sink to," Mordecai shook his head, looking up at the disappointed Brick. Patting his arm and ignoring the glare from Roland as he offered, "Hey, chaparrito, why don’t you and me have a date night?”

“C’mon, man! What the hell am I supposed to do!” Roland protested, trying to grab Brick’s arm as he flocked happily over to join the already departing Mordecai, “You’re gonna leave me alone?!”

“Yuhp,” Mordecai responded, cackling, “You’re a big boy, amuse yourself.”

“Fine, whatever! I don’t need you or Lilith!” Roland cupped his hands to yell after them, “I’ll… hang out with Scooter! Yeah! And Marcus! And… and… nobody else because I ran out of people! Fuck you!”

Spinning around, Roland stomped his way into Scooter’s garage for a night he was most certainly going to regret.

\- - -

“So where you takin’ me?” Brick questioned, entire car jerking to the side as he climbed in next to Mordecai.

“Well, normally we can’t really stop at a lot of places ‘cause of Bloodwing ain’t welcome but with her off with Lilith…” Mordecai tilted his head towards one of the various stretches of highway, “Saw that diner down that road, remember? Bloodsplatter Dine-In? Probably not five stars but it’s food or something. Not an appealing name but what the hell IS called somethin’ nice down here?”

“Aw, you payin’?” Brick batted his eyes as the car began rolling.

“Half, if that,” Mordecai cracked a smile, “Can’t go fuckin’ broke over your oversized stomach.”

Brick pouted again but it was much, much more half hearted and jovially. Peering over every few seconds to see if Mordecai would fold at his pitbull puppy dog stare.

Grabbing him one-handed by the jaw and giving it an affectionate shake, Mordecai was undaunted, “Been raising birds my entire damn life. You think that still works on me?”

“Damn,” Brick swore, crossing his arms, “Not even a little?”

“Not even a little.”

\- - -

From the outside the scene must be comical. Scrawny comparatively little Mordecai hawking over a cup of pitch black coffee directly across from Brick. Barely able to fit into his side of the booth, mountain of food nearly eclipsing his partner from his view. Safe only for the fact that Mordecai is, in fact, a rather tall man.

“So this isn’t like, freaking you out at all? Because it’s freaking me out like. A lot,” Mordecai waved a hand at the shirtless, bloodied waiter rushing past them with a plate of meat that was most certainly not cooked. Blood still dripping off the plates onto the stained platter.

But that was the least the concerns about the masked man, ranting and raving, screaming at the table next to them as he slammed down the plate hard enough to crack it nearly in half, “EMPTY EYE PITS SCREAM EMPTY THOUGHTS AT THE BURNING SKAG IN THE SKY!! HE’S NOT LISTENING, HE CAN’T SEE!!”

“Nah, he’s friendly,” Brick regarded the psycho shambling past them, platter nearly smashing into their table, “Got more a more stable job than either of us have ever had.”

Looking outwards, that didn’t comfort Mordecai much. There’s nothing not threatening about seeing a Bruiser hunched over a grill, spatula in hand. Little one running by with a big bin of dirty dishes. Goliath blindly banging a knife down on food, yelling nonsense to himself. Maybe? Could be talking to the others. How would Mordecai ever know?

Even the coffee in his hands felt suspicious, “Just used to these guys trying to smear us across a wall. Not serving us food.”

“Technically they only served me food,” Brick held out a piece of bacon to Mordecai who reluctantly took a bite, knowing it would just start prodding him in the face.

“Coffee counts as food,” Mordecai tapped his fingers on the mug, wishing he had something to give the drink an edge but he’d regretfully left his canteen in the car, “Technically.”

“Sometimes you make me worry, Mordy,” Brick set about gathering a few pieces off his smorgasbord of a meal.

“Made it thirty-four years without dying, I’ll be fine,” Mordecai tried to stop Brick from pushing the newly made plate over to his side of the table but he really didn’t stand a chance. Not able to halt it for a second. 

Looking down at the carefully arranged food, Mordecai smirked, “You made a smiley face. That’s not fair, that’s absolutely bullshit. I regularly see you punch people’s head off, literally, you’re not allowed to be this cute.”

“Who’s gonna stop me? You?” Brick tapped the edge of the plate, nearly toppling it, “Eat.”

He knew Mordecai certainly wasn’t going to eat the whole thing but he was satisfied to watch him at least pick at it a little. Better than nothing, even if he was barely making a dent in the eggs-and-bacon plate.

“Feels weird not sliding like half of this to Bloodwing,” Mordecai pushed it around with his fork, already disinterested, “Can we bring back some back for her?”

“If you eat yours she can have some of mine,” Brick bargained, ignoring the dirty look her got in return.

But at least Mordecai took a bigger bite, “Y’know, I’m getting used to not being a lone wolf but, uh, don’t think I’m the biggest fan of the whole ‘people care about me’ thing.”

“S’part of the package, ain’t gonna let you waste away to nothing,” Brick ignored the glare he got for putting some hash browns on Mordecai’s plate, “Lilith and Roland too but they’re lil’ people so they can't push you around like I can.”

Mordecai ignored the fact Lilith had, just a couple days ago, body checked him out of the way hard enough to knock him over. Yelling ‘DIBS!’ to get into the bathroom first.

It was vaguely unnerving how Brick never seemed to jump at sudden noises or movements, the psycho waiter slamming down another plate. Cracking it right in half with an enthusiastic, “GOOD MORNING, COZY SLEEP IN THE BLOOD POOL?”

“Yeah, it’s good, thanks,” Brick correctly guessed what the hell that was supposed to mean, still equally unflinching as the psycho grabbed some empty plates and flung them a bit too hard into the empty bin of the midget at his side. A marauder behind the counter yelling at him to stop breaking the dishes or they’ll take it out of his pay.

The half naked man departing, Mordecai still found himself wary, “Dunno how you can tell what the hell they’re saying.”

“Kinda can’t,” Brick pulled over the new plate and started cutting into it, “But it’s like you and Bloodwing, right? You know what she’s sayin’ when she’s just screaming at you. Even knew she was a girl now.”

“Well, I mean, that part was pretty fuckin’ easy considering she’s laying eggs now,” Mordecai pushed around the rakk ones on his plate, never was a fan, “Sort of a dead giveaway.”

Brick perked up at that, “Eggs? We gonna have some baby birds hoppin’ around? Ain’t never seen one in real life, can I hold ‘em?”

“No? We ain’t seen any other of her species around,” Mordecai tapped his fork on the plate, “How the hell would these be viable eggs?

That term seemed to definitely throw Brick for a loop, looking down at the omelette and unable to put the pieces together, “Do some eggs just not hatch?”

“Hell no, most don’t,” Mordecai jabbed at the ones on his plate, “They just lay eggs all the time, the ones that don’t hatch are the ones people eat because they don’t have, you know, baby animals inside them. Personally I’m not big on eggs in general, just feels kinda weird to eat ‘em for me.”

“Why do some hatch when most don’t?”

“Because they’re fertilized? You really makin’ me teach you about the birds and the other birds in a greasy Pandoran diner?”

The topic so out of Brick’s arena, he just stared at Mordecai with an abnormally blank look in his eyes, “I’m lost.”

Sighing loudly, Mordecai rested his head on his balled fist, “When a mommy bird and a daddy bird love each other a whooooole bunch…”

“Wait…” Brick clunked a couple pieces together, his face crinkled in confusion and possibly a bit of disgust, “Birds have sex?!”

Silence fell across the tables around them, Mordecai wondering if they too were having the same realization.

Hands skyward and clawed Mordecai stated what he thought was the obvious, “Of course birds have sex, what the hell else would the point of male birds be?!”

“MORAL SUPPORT?!” Brick thundered back, looking startled.

For a second Mordecai just sat there, frozen in sheer are-you-kidding-me before slowly creaking back to life with a raspy laugh, “You’re lucky you’re cute because that’s one of the most bone-headed things anyone’s ever said to me.”

“S’not bone-headed,” Brick protested, “Just don’t know anythin’ about birds.”

He was still for a second, like his brain was contemplating the topic.

“Do birds… have…”

“Nothing you’d recognize and if I find you ruffling Blood’s feathers trying to get a peek I’ll make you sleep in the alley. Eat your food, we’ve gotta start heading back...”

\- - -

“Jeez, Lil, you look like you stuck your hand in a blender.”

“Shut up, Mordecai,” Lilith forced herself to not cringe as she handed over the agitated bird, trying to hide her bandaged carved up right forearm behind her, “Some idiots rammed the car, I couldn’t have expected that!”

Athena had long since taken off, leaving Lilith to a boring ride home as Moxxi turned in for the night. Just her and a very, very pissed off bird.

“Why the hell’d you even bring her in the car with you?” Mordecai chastised as they walked towards Scooter’s garage, checking the bird over for any signs of injury or distress, “I don’t even bring her in the car most of the time.”

“You had her in the car! And also I got really paranoid about her flying off...”

“Y’know she would have just flew back to find me, right?”

Lilith puffed up, ready to defend herself but was caught off guard by a pair of strong arms wrapping around her hips and picking her up with ease.

“If you guys EVER leave me alone with Scooter and Marcus for a whole night ever again I’ll bury you alive in the wasteland,” Roland half threatened, pinning his girlfriend over his shoulder, “That was the worst thing I’ve ever endured. Scooter tried to show me his porno mag collection and all Marcus’s beer tasted like piss.”

“Maybe it WAS piss,” Lilith unhelpfully added from behind him.

“Augh, don’t even suggest that,” Roland faked vomiting, “I’d just jump straight off the edge, don’t test me.”

“Can’t do that!” Lilith twisted around, managing to push herself up a bit to look him in the eyes, “I’d miss you too much, these two idiots would too. Plus, who the hell is gonna protect Pandora if we’re not all together?”

“That what we callin’ what we do now?” Mordecai scoffed, letting Bloodwing fly off.

“I mean she’s right,” Brick looked towards where they knew the Atlas bunker was waiting for them, a last bastion of their hold on Pandora, “We do keep people safe. Take out the big bads and helluva lot of the lil’ bads too.”

“Gotta admit, I feel more like I’m righting wrongs that I myself contributed to,” Roland looked at the Atlas flier half ripped down, “But I guess that’s kinda… protecting anyways.”

“Yeah, yeah! And I mean we can only punch one corrupt corporation so much!” Lilith mimed a fistfight with the air, Roland nearly dropping her, “Someone else gotta step up eventually! Maybe Tediore, that’d be like shooting fish in a barrel.”

“Nah, my money’s on one of the fancy bastards,” Mordecai walked towards the barrier around the edge and leaned on it, looking out, “Mr. Blake was a real shifty bastard. Fight some Hyperion bastards.”

Roland’s laugh echoed loud in the open midsection of T-Bone Station, “You really afraid of some geeky pencil-pushers, Mordy? A code monkey gonna sneak up behind me and gank me?”

“Tch, you got a blind spot the size of a Rakk Hive, wouldn’t surprise me,” Mordecai nodded out towards one of the beasts lumbering in the distance.

Placing Lilith on the ground, Roland leaned next to him, “Then you guys’ll just have to stick around me and watch my back.”

“Unfortunately,” Mordecai flatly replied, laughing and ignoring the shove aimed at him.

Their partners flanked them, all looking out at the Pandoran sunset.

Even Bloodwing swooping down, landing next to the only open space next to Lilith.

“Aww, look! She likes me now. Girl buddies,” Lilith cautiously pet the much calmer bird with her injured hand, “Something was bugging me all night though. How’d you know she was a girl now?”

Absolute déjà vu, Mordecai flatly replied, “Started laying eggs. Ain’t been around any male birds so they’re not fertilized or anything so no baby birds.”

A long, dead silence fell over the group as a whole before Lilith loudly burst out...

“Birds have sex?!”


End file.
